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this post was submitted on 13 Dec 2023
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Parenting
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I have to believe every parent wants to be able to reason with their kids and would to address behavior just by explaining to their child that what they did is wrong.
But kids aren’t rational and so when a child is melting down and not listening to correction, I understand the temptation to lean on fear which pretty much universally motivates kids to temporarily change their behavior. Especially when parents are both working long hours, could be stressed about affording their mortgage, childcare, caring for an aging parent, it’s hard enough to regulate yourself let alone while your child is acting a fool and wailing their head off.
That being said I went into parenting with an open mind about spanking as punishment, it was my parents’ preferred method of discipline, but I have never found a situation where it was justified because there is no reason to hit a child. Spanking is a tool that will never come out of my toolbag.
You know what happens when you use pain and fear as a deterrent for doing things? Do you think they learn not to do it or do you think they learn not to get caught?
As you said, "kids aren't rational," so they wouldn't connect the act with the punishment. They connect getting caught with the punishment.
The same thing has clearly been shown to be true for adults as well! Retributive punishment does not decrease recidivism in prison populations. If anything, harsh punishments just cause previous convicts to be locked into committing further crimes.
I'm glad you didn't hit your kids, but keeping an "open mind" in regards to beating children is kinda wrong. The research has been in for just... so long. Corporal punishment has a net negative effect on children. Saying there might be a reason to use it puts that tool in every parent's tool box just means kids will be hit.
I absolutely agree with you on all your points. There is simply no excuse to spank and fear doesn’t address a behavior, it just temporarily disarms it.
The message I want to get across is that parents need to support each other. And that most* people don’t want to hit their kids but feel like they HAVE to because they don’t have otherwise effective strategies. Spanking is NEVER an effective strategy but if we are dismissive of each other’s struggles then we are going to further entrench their beliefs that they MUST spank and other parents just don’t understand, rather than encouraging people who need support to seek family therapy or advice from a parenting coach.
I mentioned that I had an open mind because that was how my parents raised me and I didn’t believe that I was abused but my attitude changed after becoming a parent. My goal isn’t for people to keep that tool in their toolbox but help encourage them that may have been like me to take it completely out of the toolbox.
* I say most people because there is a line where it crosses into abuse. It’s like porn, you know abuse when you see it. That shouldn’t be met with support but with a report to your local child/family services agency.