My most recent job wants me to buy a new laptop "so my Webcam will work"

It works fine. I taped over it when I got it because I never had planned need of it. Anything requiring video can be handled on my phone.

Why do they NEED me to get a new laptop?

So the managers who don't use their cameras can see my face during their boring ass bullshit "I'm so important look at me and crave my input" team meetings every week.

No. If you want to see me, you can come talk face to face, or stare at a picture you would have had to cyberstalk to find.

Funny thing is, in my training I've had to do other team meetings with other people in the company, and nobody mentioned my lack of camera.

If it's "job critical" like you claim, then you need to put that requirement in the job listings and On-boarding. Since I'm 48 hours away from my final training with a physical person, and I have yet to see anything that makes me think it isn't just a manager trying to flex their tiny iota of tenuous power.