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this post was submitted on 18 Feb 2024
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When I tried to report my suspicions that my ex was abusing my kids, I was told by DCFS to stop stirring up trouble or I would lose custody.
Years later, my kids are old enough to be listened to, and the DA office still chose not to prosecute because it's he-said-she-said. Both kids have mental health issues stemming from child abuse that I have to deal with on a daily basis, all while trying to juggle my mental health as a previous abuse victim from the same man.
And then they say that victims fail to report. Well, duh. It's often safer not to.
My sister ended up losing custody for the same thing.
I begged her not to do it because I knew exactly how it would go. I said, “Seriously, you’re in a custody dispute. They’re going to treat you like you’re making this up. Wait. Be patient. I know it sucks. It just isn’t the right time for it.”
The kid is very autistic and he sits and yells at himself now, “You’re just bad Adam! You do this on purpose Adam! That’s for girls Adam! You’re not a girl Adam! You’re just a troublemaker Adam!” I wish I could remember what my mom told me he was yelling at himself about the other day, she was in tears.
I don’t know. It’s a sad situation. Her ex definitely has better resources for dealing with him (financially, which is a lot with autism as bad as his) but I can’t imagine him yelling criticisms at himself all the time if my sister didn’t lose him. He was allowed to express himself and dance and play dress up before. He don’t have that any more. Because he likes Disney princesses a lot and she had photographed him playing with dolls and things, they made a big deal about that in this small town.
Sad situation.
I wasn't even in a dispute. I had full custody, and he had minimum visitation, which was still half the kids' free time. And he had been convicted of domestic violence.
That poor, sweet child. We are failing our children in the guise of parent's rights.
My sister has been through it, she really has.
The guardian ad litem hates her guts and has practically dragged her through hell.
When Adam was about 3 it really became clear that something was off with him. You couldn’t get his attention unless he wanted you to have it. He’d run in circles for long periods of time. I joined him once and I started running in the other direction and he lost his shit.
He started taking shirts and using them like wigs and singing Disney songs, and it was a huge leap in his development so my sister got him some wigs. It wasn’t just princess wigs, he had a bunch of them. Short hair, long hair, Halloween costumes as Batman, but he really gravitated toward the princess stuff. She didn’t put a limit on him or encourage one thing or the other. The ex said, “you’re gonna make him gay letting him wear that stuff.” My sister’s response was, “He isn’t going to have much of an opportunity for a sexuality, you’re overreacting.” And in truth, I can’t see him ever having a life where he’s going to be dating and things like that. It just isn’t going to happen. He communicates his needs, but he isn’t ever going to be able to be independent.
And even if he could, he makes his own decisions. When it’s time to pick out his clothes, he doesn’t try to wear dresses. It’s just an outlet for him while he plays. He understands that he’s just reenacting what he sees. He likes what he likes.
Well, once the guardian ad litem heard about that, it was 100% what she focused on. She said in court that my sister was encouraging him to be a girl and confusing him. She went in and photographed his costumes, purposely leaving out the cowboy and superhero stuff, the pompadour, the ninja turtles. She photographed the princess stuff and the dolls.
It’s a bummer. I’m not gonna lie, the first time I seen him twirling around singing “Let it Go” in a blonde wig, it made me uneasy. But seeing him smile and laugh when he usually sits expressionless was huge.
It sucks that we put so much into our roles in this world that a happy kid has to question his happiness when so many doors are closed to him already because of his condition. It really does.
I can't understand how people can be this ignorant and stupid...
I always want to ask, "so the only reason you're a straight man is because you played with GI Joe?"
Because that would explain a lot about why you protest so strongly.
This is a great response that I'm gone a steal the next timee someone has an issue with my son carrying around an Elsa doll
You may have meant this more of an expression of shock, regardless it is good to think about the question. Hope you don't mind if I run with it for the general discussion.
Babies and children have an innate desire to learn, which can be nourished or beaten down. If it's beaten down long enough, "Ignorant" may become that child's preferred state as they get older, for reasons of domestic safety and social norms.
This lack of respect for knowledge and the accompanying lack of knowledge makes things that are outside someone's worldview threatening. They respond as if it was a threat and the cycle continues.
It is supposed to be the job of schools to rescue children from that cycle, by providing them with a space where they can be curious and not have to worry about a bigoted family member coming down on them. Sometimes they succeed but I think more often they don't, especially in areas where bigotry is rampant and/or where schools are underfunded or beholden to antisocial policies and laws.
I'm on a long bus ride, hence the exposition :)
You go give that kid a hug on my behalf and tell him he's allowed to like all the Disney princesses he wants right now goddamnit
And another hug from me too goddammit