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Relationships
(lemmy.world)
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this post was submitted on 23 Feb 2024
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The uncharitable perspective: This kind of attitude makes long term relationships harder. If you have severe uncertainty about your future with someone, why should you buy a house with them? Or make mutual sacrifices for the sake of mutually desired goals? Why should you not seek someone who seems to be more determined to spend a long time of their life with you?
The charitable perspective: These people have been hurt by the unrealistic expectations of how romantic love is portrayed in media, and are now overcompensating. This may lead them to not to live their best lives, but it protects them from falling into an inescapable pit.
Both extremes have their dangers.
Many people expect the perfect relationship/marriage to happen to them, like it’s destiny.
But the truth is that a good marriage is something you create! Much like freedom requires constant vigilance, marriage requires constant positive input. But then the second fun truth is that once you start doing this, it becomes a fulfilling part of your life and not some chore you have to remember to do.
Going through some mental health struggles, and figuring out what it really takes for my particular brain to have a positive fulfilling life, it definitely changed how I view and approach my marriage.
I think generally everything pays off more when you put more time or effort in it.
Yep, and equally important is putting the effort into the right things.
What are the right things? That’s the hard one. The metaphor I used is that we all have our own custom written manual for our specific bodies and brains, but we don’t get a copy of it. In my case it really felt like I was trying to reverse engineer my brain to figure out the things I really care about vs stressing over the things I’m supposed to care about.
I don't think that's the charitable perspective at all tbh. A charitable perspective would be that acknowledging "true love" isn't a thing and all love can end is a healthy way to look at things. If it's an all prevailing thought that you never stop thinking about or letting go of, not so good, but if you're just keeping in mind that even the best relationships can fail, and nothing is fated, then you're far less likely to overlook fatal issues in your relationship that would lead you to staying in a toxic one. And wanting an easy way out if it does become toxic is never a bad thing, because like it or not, that can happen at any time, no matter how compatible you were before.
My ex and I had an amazing relationship for a long time. I thought she and I might be fated to be together. But one day, things just started going down hill. Life stresses started building up, expectations of what we wanted from each other started to diverge, and we started fighting, a lot. Still, we wanted to believe it was fate, and that it'd work out. We had so much in common, we'd done great so far, so we should be able to make it through. But things only got worse and worse.
The thing that finally broke it up was when my now girlfriend tried her best to attempt a polyamorous relationship with us, and ended up realizing it was toxic as fuck and stealing me away from it.
In my new relationship, I've found it a powerful tool to remember always that there is no fate, something could happen and we could break up. I'll enjoy it as long as it lasts, maybe forever if it does last that long, but letting myself believe that's definitely gonna happen just isn't healthy.
EDIT: Well whada ya fuckin' know...
Personally, I don't need romantic, I just absolutely do not want to end up in a relationship that's effectively entrenched warfare. Both parties having the option of leaving, keeps one another on their toes to make the relationship work. And if it still does not work, then leaving is absolutely a form of conflict resolution. Yes, that comes with concessions, but I deem the alternative too risky to even consider.
No matter what kind of relationship you are in, both parties always have the option of leaving. Wearing a ring doesn't change it. Getting married doesn't change it. Signing a document doesn't change it.
Ceremonies and legal documents can make leaving more difficult - because it creates a risk of social or financial punishment; but whether that's a good thing is subjective. The people in this comic are of the view that they should only stay together if they both continue to be happy with their relationship. And I think that's a fair enough perspective. No one wants to be stuck in an unhappy relationship, right?
I was shocked by how different romance is in real life than media. For example, my parents had their wedding booked before my dad actually proposed. And for me, there's rarely a set time when a relationship begins. Just a friend you know just begins getting affectionate and then you're spending more time together and being affectionate back. Or maybe I and my family are just strange. Who knows.