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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Easy_Department4603 on 2023-07-25 03:08:23.
I work 12 hours a day five days a week. That does not include the commute.
My wife is a SAHM. It is what we agreed to and it is what we both want. Unfortunately her job only pays enough that if we put the kids in daycare she would bring home a whopping $200 a week.
I would rather work overtime and know that our kids are being raised by her.
I usually leave the house before they all get up and when I get home I'm wiped. I will sit down for supper with them and then do the dishes. I entertain the kids before bedtime and we put them to bed. I will keep the kids busy so she can go have a bath or whatever. If she needs anything from the grocery store I will stop on my way home.
On the weekends I do all the yard work and help out with the big chores around the house. I will help clean the bathrooms and help the kids clean up the play room.
My wife does much more housework than I do. She also does most of the heavy lifting when it comes to the kids. She takes them to the doctor, play dates, the park, etc.
Her parents are visiting this week and will be staying at our house. I heard her on the phone with her sister saying that she is going nuts doing everything at home since I never help with anything.
It fucking hurt.
So last week I decided to not help. I didn't charge my phone at work so I missed her calls about groceries do she had to run out once I got home. I played with the kids at night. I still did dishes but I left them in the dishwasher afterwards. I looked at the grass and it wasn't terrible so I didn't mow. I also didn't chop firewood so that she could have fires at night. I let the kids play area stay messy. It wasn't dirty or anything. Just messy. Lego and toys everywhere.
Her parents showed up Saturday and my wife was embarrassed. Her mom and dad are super judgey about stuff. Her mom helped the kids clean up the play area and her dad mowed the lawn.
My wife was livid and said that I was an asshole for letting the house get so bad right before her parents visited. I asked her if she had told anyone that I wasn't helping around the house AT ALL? She said no. So I asked her if she hadn't used those exact words to her sister.
She admitted that she said that but that I was an ass for taking it personally and making it true.
I kind of feel like an asshole for letting her take shit from her folks but I felt unappreciated as fuck.
AITA?
YTA, but not for the reason you'd expect. Your marriage is a partnership, and you just played immature games to prove a point.
This is not how you deal with problems in a healthy manner.
It's clear you've made a split of work and you both are strained.
The right move would have been to tell her, "hey babe, I overheard your call with your sister and it hurt me to think you feel I help with nothing. If you are strained can you explain what area you need more help with, perhaps we can adjust or trade something to make things work better."
Perhaps one of the things you do doesn't matter as another one you don't, trade out and prioritize what makes you both able to handle the day better.
You may have proved to her how much you do, but you sure didn't win anything other than resentment, the most fatal of emotions in a relationship.