hmm could probs help to get this offmychest

had to decline a much younger cousin's invitation to her debut. not the first time i declined an invite to important family-once-in-a-lifetime events (don't do it, just go). just a little weird there's not much pushback - then again i no longer associate with family so her expectations were likely very low

like she and i could've been close and her mom seems to have thought i would've been a good influence to her growing up when she needed help with school and talking about her interests with people who aren't her friends her age and elders (plus out of all her other cousins our side of the family it seems i was the most patient with her ig?) so i kinda wanna go but then what it's just weird i'll just ghost them again after lmao and i have to be chummy with family just for the night? like last time this happened was my brother's wedding which was kinda lowkey and i still made sure i'd prepare for it and come but members of the family were surprised i did, even my brother was (like what you invited me lol?) and they were kinda feeling i would make a scene so ig they're also kinda happy i wanted to leave early? lmao

anyway back to my cousin - didn't have to make excuses and she just went "okay, maybe next time!" but like why is there that sort of guilty vibe like lmao they probably learned of my suicide attempt (which i never explicitly admitted to anyone besides our then helper with whom i had no choice but to disclose because she caught me before i was able to clean up lol) and they probs found my backup tools, by that i mean a bunch of counterindicative otc stuff hehehe like why hide a bunch of otc meds hehehehehe

but like i mean girl you probably read of depression and suicidal people and ig maybe she's shocked to know someone like that irl and so close to her hehe but it's not her fault like don't feel guilty about it kek i'm sad that she's sad about it but she has to let it go lol kinda sad if the next time she sees me is at my funeral for dying a little earlier as expected? perhaps it wouldn't sting as much if i make it seem like an accident. hehe i no longer seriously consider it but it's just cute to think it'll be easier for them to move on if i just get it over with

my life's been lame and boring and already deserving of contentment anyway how about we do it for the content ah fuck that dark feeling is coming back and i missed it sooooo much and i love it kesa naman boring jsq

the world's so stupid and pointless and lame and fucked up but at least there's plenty of people i've met who seem to be much happier without my influence. the joy i could bring to people who'd be sad with me gone won't compare to the comfort and peace i'd be indirectly giving to those people who are glad i'm no longer in their lives. i no longer want anything for myself anyway like YEAH FUCK I LOVE THIS ♥♥