..1!

(Read as if this was as an ad from Google) (if your familer with Rodger's Honest Ads, this was inspired by the way those are written) (if that last sentence wasn't clear...this whole post is a mockery or /s)

Buy YouTube Premium with your hard earned money so you can feel good about a few extra pennies going towards your beloved creators. We'll keep the rest of your precious money for ourselves to bring you new and exciting features you never asked for -

• you'll get exclusive acess to the ever growing library of YouTube Originals, because we felt it necessary to take the "You" out of YouTube and sponsor our own content for you to enjoy.
• We'll bring more pixels to you with real time 4K video streaming. Now you can enjoy one of the 6 channels that actually record in 4k in beautiful life like quality on your tiny phone, the 13 year old computer screen you rescued from your work dumpster or your smart 4K TV that doesn't have a WiFi card fast enough to get all the pixels for a buttery smooth expirence.
• Next we'll bring you Live TV straight to your eyes from across the globe. Ditch those pesky cable bills and pay for our ever growing selection of unwilling particpents as the affordability of streaming destroys traditional cable for the low monthly cost of $57.99 for the first 3 months. As a bonus, our website doesn't bother to tell you if it includes any the other YouTube Premium features - you might just end up paying for premium twice and we have no real obligation to tell you.
• Finally, we've thought of the little ones with our special version of YouTube for Kids, called YouTube Kids. Here we use an advanced AI system of people who can find the report button to filter out any content we decide goes against our ever changing guidelines. We allow your children to only watch the most mind numbing, cheaply made, addicitive garbage to keep them ocupied while you do more important things than raising your child.

We know the real reason you're here is YouTube Music. Access our huge library of every song that we haven't been forced to take down because some studio decided they wanted their cut. We'll entice you to spend a few more dollars than what you pay for just YouTube Music to get ad-free YouTube videos and the revolutionary ability to play music in the background on your mobile phone. That's right, we've developed a method in which you can listen to music at the same you binge read cringy fanfiction novels at 3 in the morning. It's revolutionary.

Still not convinced, lastly we added in the amazing feature called offline viewing. This will download the videos you select to your device offline in an encrypted format so hackers can't steal them from you, allowing you to watch them anywhere, provided you have an internet connection so we can verify you downloaded the videos.

Buy YouTube Premium today, and buy it again every month, for the low price of your daughter's medium latte macchiato coffe milkshake with extra caramel, whipped cream and a cute bright red40 cherry on top.

It’s actually a really great deal at the old price I’m grandfathered into and none of you can get any more.

Also if you pirate YT, Google won’t pay creators. If you watch ads, Google still won’t pay creators.