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this post was submitted on 20 May 2024
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Millennial here.
I wish I didn’t.
thoughts (no self harm talk, just sadness!)
My society clearly hates me and doesn’t want me to exist, my parents bought the modern austerity riddled American dream hook line and sinker and so they believed they shouldn’t help me too much after I became an adult and basically they severed that deep link between parent and child for… some shitty neoliberal ideologies that are empty as fuck?
I am a millenial and I exist, I don’t want to, even though I was given a lot of privilege when I was younger I am ADHD as fuck and life is honestly genuinely miserable. The world wasn’t designed for my brain, it was designed to shunt someone with my brain into jail or a death spiral of some kind of addiction (you ever looked up the percentage of prisoners in US prisons that likely have ADHD? It is shocking).
It would be one thing if things were getting better for ADHD people, but they are quickly accelerating towards being worse in every aspect, random ADHD med shortages because the FDA wants us to die, more and more executive function required for basic tasks (more paperwork, more scheduling, more consequences for not following rigid schedules perfectly), less and less energy and free time available left over after work, less and less tolerance for simple mistakes at work, more complex and brittle steps to get healthcare help that involve a million carefully designed give-up points custom designed to coax an ADHD person into never utilizing their healthcare because they can never get through the hoops to do it. The job application process of sending out resumes to online job after online job alone is catastrophic for my ADHD.
I am not going to hurt myself, or by extension others around me, after all that is precisely what is making me sad in the first place. I have lost that flame inside me because I know I won’t be able to live a fulfilling life where I am genuinely happy in a way that I don’t always go to sleep at night wishing I could disappear painlessly and be forgotten by all…. unless I win the lottery either literally or get the rare job that doesn’t treat me like shit. (Then I am happy and am surrounded by a bunch of dying people like me that I have to try to ignore..?).
It is hard because therapists are usually older adults and they just can’t understand this depression as a rational response from an entire chunk of a generation rather than an individual pathology. Focus on the positives! they say….and I think… I will eventually die of old age or health problems (hey can’t afford the doctor or dentist so that will speed it up :P ) and wont have to force myself to survive in a society with rules designed to put me in a constant state of suffering while constantly coding my desperate struggle to keep basic aspects of my life together as laziness, naiveness, lack of work ethic, lack of personal responsibility etc…
I relate to this immensley.
🫂
hey, I'm sorry you've been feeling down. I can't offer a solution, but I just wanted you to know you're seen. and if you want to talk about it more, absolutely feel free to shoot a message.
fwiw, I absolutely sympathize. I'm a young adult with adhd, and struggling with depression, though the latter is getting better I think. I went pretty quickly from being a "gifted kid" to being what most would consider an underachiever. I don't, to be clear; I'm proud of where I am, regardless of how it seems to compare to some of my friends. it's still a mad reality check, though.
on a related note, I left christianity a year ago, and holy fuck has that been an adjustment. most of my optimism was always rooted in religion, and without that worldview, it's suddenly on me to find new reasons to be even a little hopeful, even to want to be alive. I'm not suicidal, but for a while there I couldn't say that I wasn't. I do feel like I'm happy to be alive now, and that's great, but holy crap this is not as easy as it was when I believed in an all-powerful benevolent god. ah well.
I hope you have a lovely day, but if you don't, that's valid too. life isn't always lovely, and there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that. there's nothing wrong with feeling down about it. all we can do is try to support ourselves and one another, y'know?
i'm sorry for the dreams that've been taken from you and the injustices you've experienced. you deserved better, and so did I, and so did most of us. thank you for being honest about it. 🫂
Thank you so much, I deeply appreciate these kinds of posts that don't attempt to fix me but just engage in solidarity :)
I think the least interesting question about religion is whether god exists or not. There are many things you can take away from yourself about christianity that don't have anything to do with a bearded man in the sky existing or not. It is enough to appreciate the beauty of how a spiritual perspective on life and the beings around you can lead you into a happier, better life even if you that spiritual perspective is fundamentally not reflective of science or reality as we know it.
It is like how I don't necessarily believe we have souls (I mean whatever, but there is zero scientific evidence of souls or even suggestions that they exist), but the concept of a soul and how it can be affected by the world and other people is an incredibly useful way of looking at the human condition. It is a concept and word that does not derive its power from the fact that it exists, and you can appreciate that outside of believing there is something like a soul literally imbued into ourselves in some magic/spiritual way.
thank you for being honest and listening!