Sorry if this is invalidating, idk how to phrase my feelings or put together my thoughts in a encompassing way here. I want it to be comforting but as an allo person I’m also being kind-of defensive here and honestly I’m worried about that being a toxic behavior from me

No worries comrade.

Your Catan comparison is spot on tbh. I'd only add that that allonormativity also says "it is more important to play catan with someone you are sexing with than a regular friend"

internalized assumptions about whether or not someone actually values you

Less assumption, more observation that sometimes some of my friends will disappear for indeterminate amounts of time because they've found partners then reappear when relationship ends

angry at a lot of other people about it. I'd encourage you to consider that these larger cultural dynamics are a lot like capitalism and other systems

I'd encourage you to consider that I'm angry at those larger systems and my post was about those larger systems. Just as when e.g. my grandmother says something racist I have anger both at her and the larger system.

as individuals we are near powerless to change them, and we'll die tired and angry if we spend our energies raging against them

I...don't? I made two hexbear comments when prompted by mention of kink at pride discourse.

If we want to see change in the larger social world, we need to join with organizations to do so

I...have? Was at a party meeting just last night

So for your own sanity, spend your efforts and energy on the things that are close to you that you can change, friends and family. Build your supportive circles so you can have some more enjoyment in your own personal life.

I...am? Again I made two hexbear comments complaining about the systemic normalisation of allosexual/romantic values, I'm not sure why you seem (sorry for assuming) to think this is consuming me constantly