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No-win scenario
(lemmy.world)
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this post was submitted on 11 Jun 2024
1286 points (98.8% liked)
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I was taught a long time ago a simple idea ... Men hear a problem and try to solve it...”i don't know x" ok let me teach you" or "I can't get this thing to work" ok let me try if I can.
Women on initial compliant some times just want to know that you know they are struggling. Instead of "let me teach you” you could say "I'm sure you will understand" or "I know it's difficult but you got this".
Yes it varies by person some men prefer the latter and some women prefer the former. As with most things it's up to you to know your partner and what they want...
I don't recall where I heard this advice but someone once told me that when he's in this situation he asks his SO "do you want solutions or to vent?" Probably doesn't work for everyone but I liked the idea
Sometimes that works other times it gets so much worse
Presume they want to vent.
Someone who wants to vent gets mad if you try to explain.
Someone who wants and explanation won't get mad if you talk to them if they want to vent.
Take the safe bet everytime.
yea, it could definitely sound passive-aggressive
Yup some idea. I think I heard it on Reddit but you put it succinctly.
Anyone else reading this keep in mind this changes with partners and situations and maybe by day...without specific examples with lot of details it's hard to tell. If you don't know, ask kindly.
I'm pretty sure I've given this advice at some point on Reddit before.
Personally I know my SO well enough to know when it's just venting. I don't usually need to ask anymore.
This is very true and an essential life skill of anyone who is in a long term relationship.
Wait for them to directly ask for your help. Until then, be an empathetic and active listener.
You'll get some serious points this way.
Asking questions is fine, for the most part (a part of active listening), just be sure they're questions, not commands. Eg. (Primary complaint): " Mary was being a bitch today", bad reply "you should avoid her when she's being a bitch", same idea, but a better reply "did you try to avoid her to stay away from her bitchiness?" In the former example, you're giving her a solution. In the latter, you're asking if she tried that as a solution. The key difference is that in the former reply, it gives the assumption that she didn't think of that, in the latter, you assume she tried and you want to know how that went, or why it wasn't tried.
The former, implying that they couldn't, didn't, or wouldn't think of that solution, also further implies that they're lacking the critical thinking to consider that solution. Which, from what I have gathered, is the root cause of displeasure from men's "suggestions".
Your mileage may vary depending on where your wife/gf lands on the crazy/hot graph (mainly on the crazy axis).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg - The Nail
It is not about the nail!!
I'm a problem solver by trade and in recreation (IT, games, etc), but I also complain sometimes without desiring a fix. Sometimes I know a way to solve it but am just complaining that it even needs to be solved, and sometimes I either want to share just because it's interesting, or because it's funny.
Sometimes I'm just venting, and an actual fix won't help my mood while venting. Like I will take the advice and apply it later, but for thus moment, I need to get my feelings out. I'm a cis* male.
*(it's been suggested I'm actually nonbinary or something similar due to my mild interest in gender fluidity, but I personally don't identify that way, nor do I get bothered if referred to that way or by any gender).
Especially the latter one can easily sound condescending. And then you're in the shit again
Yes, as I said it depends on you and your partner. Also the point is basically to say "I understand the struggle you are experiencing, here is some encouragement" without being a machine...
As another user said in a better way...do you want to vent or do you want solutions? If vent recognize their pain and encourage them, if solutions try to help.