I get it, i'm only 14 years away from it. The first 14 felt a lot longer than the last 14 up until today.

I don't really know how to explain my reasoning, i think i'm just done and i've been done for a long time.

From my perspective i've given all i had to give and apparently it's been the opposite of what i had to do.

I promised the wife i wouldn't step out and that's basically why i'm around today. I like to think i'm here for her, but i basically pay the bills and help her with information on how to reach the next step on the ladder of her plans. But tbh i could give so much more if i wasn't the way i am, i'm always looking for something to silence the constant noise and it usually involves spending money on things that keep me busy while that money could be used to help her buy the things that make her progress faster.

I've tried getting help, but i have this thing where i keep shutting down at the worst possible time and instead of pushing through the help i contacted basically pulled out and pushed me away. I gave up looking for answers.