This line of work basically put me in the position that is the subject of commercials that try to convince suburban dads that they need a huge truck in case one day their family goes on a fictional camping trip to the middle of a swamp.

This is so on point.

So many defenders go, "It helped when I had to haul shit to the dump" or "I bring wood back to build my shed".

What about the other 95% of the year? Because I rent a van to move shit and I'm happy taking the bus.

Not to mention they don't even fucking fit in off-road situations half the time. Unless you're in a wide open field or have giant cleared roads (in which case why do you need an ultimate off-road machineTM), most off-road situations in the eastern US are going to involve trees. Try driving around trees in that thing and you'll be stuck in a matter of minutes.

For all the actual off road work I've done, the best vehicle has always been those little utility off-road vehicles (we call them mules or gators but I'm sure they have a real name) or just a regular-sized pickup truck with 4 wheel drive and low gears.

But what if I need to believe that others think my penis is bigger than it is? Is there any other way?

My uncle did a four wheel driving day in his Subaru Forrester one time and it could climb hills others couldn't because it was so light.

I've also heard stories of farmers with tiny 4x4s like a Suzuki Jimny using them during floods because they don't sink in the mud like the massive ones do

There’s no good reason for these pieces of shit to exist.

Have you considered the profits of the auto industry?

Anyways, you know what I learned? These fucking things suck at off-roading.

no shit, they're running live axle suspension, no amount of lift kit is going to get your diff case unstuck from the mud LMAO.

Doesn't help that these idiots also put small tires on big rims to get that bafflingly stupid look on them, which lowers the ride quality, and lowers the axle even more.

I'm convinced you have to be brain damaged to own a bro dozer, let alone think an f150 with live axles can get around in mud. Bro almost nothing can, a humvee might do it, but it's also literally built to do it. It's got full independent suspension, nice large tires with high sidewalls, portal axles for increased clearance. It's got a low cab, set next to the engine and transmission (that's why they're so wide) They're short, so they can get around trees and shit and likewise have a low CG.

And f150 looks like it was built to be a parody of a hummer, and it's no surprise that they drive and handle like shit as a result.

I volunteered driving ambulances. Started in high school, 2003-2004. Our rigs at the time were a '97 Chevy van with a box and a '99 F250 with a box. They were the biggest things I'd driven at the time.

Moved away, did life, came back a decade later. Newest rigs were now 2015 F450 Super Duty with a box you could legit stand up in. Thing was unnecessarily large. All the things you're saying are correct. The rig we purchased while I was there ended up being a slightly larger mod, but came with front, side, and rear cameras, because you're absolutely right, can't see shit. Blind spot in the front is legit 10-15 feet from the bumper.

You know what didn't change in that interim? People's windy, tiny driveways. I won't toot my own horn but I'm a good driver, I frequently tell my wife "You could fit a Mac truck through there" when she's driving and won't squeeze through a gap. So when it came time to back these rigs up these narrow, curving driveways, up a hill, it was difficult. I'd have my crew get out generally and go begin assessment so I could get the rig in place for takedown. Problem is that I couldn't drive all the time, and so the rig would frequently get left down on the road. And I don't blame anyone, they were difficult maneuvers. I knew a few members who outright refused to drive the newer rigs becaude they were so massive, so now we've neutered our manpower.

please go send a 0 star review on constructors website.

oh shit you can't !

Completely. Give me a light Geländewagen (and I’m talking about the utility version that armies buy, not the blinged up Chelsea tractor version), with triple differential lock and it’ll out-drive these monster trucks any day, on any terrain, pulling the same weight.