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this post was submitted on 01 Sep 2024
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The secretly part is the issue. We did not make it a secret. When my daughter was 11, she got a cell phone because at that point all of her friends had them. But we told her that we would monitor her use. She knew about it, so she didn't feel anxious about it (and she has major anxiety problems). At this point, at 14, we feel we can trust her to be responsible and don't monitor anymore. But we do still talk to her about what she sees.
Were we able to block her from absolutely everything that might have been risky? Probably not. But I think we avoided most of it while trying to educate her on safe behavior.
It wasn't just secretly, or that secretly at all, but it still stuck with me. When I was 10, I was texting a friend about having started periods, an extremely sensitive topic, and my father grabbed my phone to read who I was texting. It's been very long since that happened, and I don't have the best memory, but things like this I remember very vividly. Some kids are more sensitive, and you have to build a strong relationship with them for these things to potentially work. I think there is even a Black Mirror episode on this topic.
There's also a problem that if the kid does know they're being monitored, they can and some will figure out how to get past it. I can't offer an immediate solution, because honestly, social media scape is severly fucked nowadays, but there's no winning scenario I can think of that doesn't require one to have an extremely good relationship with their kid. And even then, it might not be enough.
I'm glad I'm both old enough I didn't grow up with tiktok and the likes, and that I don't have kids to worry about. Being a parent in this day and age sounds absolutely exhausting and uncertain from multiple modern-world perspectives.
Kudos to any working parent who manages to handle it well and has a kid with a good head on their shoulders.