over the last few months, i have been engaged in a feud with a local garlic farmer. what originally started as a great friendship was corrupted by greed and selfishness. but i have enacted my revenge. jim you are so fucked you don’t even get it.

i attended the same farmers market for over a year, purchasing garlic from the same local farmer. we will call him jim because that is his name. fuck you jim you stupid fuck.

originally i would buy 2-4 pounds of garlic from him on a weekly/biweekly basis. it was good for him and good for me and we developed a nice friendship. he even had me out for dinner one night on his farm with him and his grandson. it was pleasant and i was genuinely excited to have made a new and unique friend.

soon into our friendship/business relationship i started increasing the weight of garlic i would purchase from him. 8 pounds, 10 pounds — he had excellent cloves and i wanted them.

one day, however, he betrayed me. i arrived at the market as usual, greeting the lovely people at their stands. we had all come to know each other. i was the garlic guy. jim was the garlic guys garlic guy.

jim met me with his usual smile and handshake but i sensed something was off. and i was right.

jim explained to me he could no longer sell me the garlic in bulk for the price he was — he had to charge a premium. this made no sense to me, i wasn’t getting a bulk discount and was paying full price per bulb. i tried to reason with him and he became hostile.

in that moment out of frustration i asked what he valued his full garlic supply at the market as. he gave me a number. i pulled out my wallet, put the exact change on the table, and slowly transported all the garlic to my truck.

jim’s greed was and will be his downfall. immediately upon sitting in my car i was hit with visions of my vengeance.

i continued to go to the farmers market, making a beeline to jim and his exorbitant garlic. every weekend i haggled with him— not on price but on how much garlic he’d let me buy. i tried different times of day, different approaches, and always got different results.

regardless, jim continued to sell me at minimum 60% of his allotted garlic supply. weekly. to him it was an easy profit. i was a fool and he was playing me. you fool.

and that brings me to today. i have my inventory accounted for. i have my permit secured. i have my table and tent ready. and i have my revenge in my reach.

you see, today is the garlic festival. real garliccels know how important this event is for a local farmer. it is the only garlic festival for the next 3 weeks in a 280 mile radius. rural america is beautiful, but slow.

ive already bought a significant amount of jim’s garlic. and now im going to sell it. im going to sell it with my tent directly next to his. and im going to sell it, at a loss, for significantly less than whatever he decides to charge.

he will know instantly when he sees me what is going to happen. he will see me with his garlic and know my exact plan. his exact fate. but there will be nothing he can do. he started this feud. but im moving differently and he will pay. im moving very different.

nobody will buy his garlic and i have enough supply to last for 7 hours of constant sales. he has severely miscalculated.

you stupid bastard. you greedy imbecile. you have absolutely no clue who you fucked with.

when the day ends, ill still have enough garlic at home to plant enough to get my own stand at the farmers market next year. within 3 years ill put him entirely out of business. then i will buy his farm. i will raze it to ash. you stupid greedy motherfucker you have no idea who i am. you fucked up so bad. fuck you.

im neil mccauley. don’t let yourself get attached to anything you’re not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner. you fucked up jim

i am very excited to report back when the day is done. it’s not about the money. or the garlic. it’s about sending a message.

Ya we need the spicy deets