personally at least a big part of it is that i wouldn't really consider myself trans even if i changed my body and put on girly clothes or whatever, perhaps i'd change my mind then but as it stands i think i wouldn't feel like a woman or whatever else, and i have a strange relationship to feeling male in the first place. I sorta don't care and care A LOT at the same time, it's very strange and i can't really even define how i feel in my own head.

And it's not that i'd necessarily want to go back afterwards, i'd just want the ability to do so whenever i want, i want to be able to change form at will so i never have to feel stuck. It's like being unable to make the food you're used to when moving to another part of the world, the new stuff is great but you're just so used to your native cuisine that not having it available is slightly distressing.