0
Got a guy’s phone number, no idea what to do next
(hexbear.net)
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
view the rest of the comments
this post was submitted on 24 Sep 2023
0 points (NaN% liked)
neurodiverse
1592 readers
14 users here now
What is Neurodivergence?
It's ADHD, Autism, OCD, schizophrenia, anxiety, depression, bi-polar, aspd, etc etc etc etc
“neurologically atypical patterns of thought or behavior”
So, it’s very broad, if you feel like it describes you then it does as far as we're concerned
Rules
1.) ableist language=post or comment will probably get removed (enforced case by case, some comments will be removed and restored due to complex situations). repeated use of ableist language=banned from comm and possibly site depending on severity. properly tagged posts with CW can use them for the purposes of discussing them
2.) always assume good faith when dealing with a fellow nd comrade especially due to lack of social awareness being a common symptom of neurodivergence
2.5) right to disengage is rigidly enforced. violations will get you purged from the comm. see rule 3 for explanation on appeals
3.) no talking over nd comrades about things you haven't personally experienced as a neurotypical chapo, you will be purged. If you're ND it is absolutely fine to give your own perspective if it conflicts with another's, but do so with empathy and the intention to learn about each other, not prove who's experience is valid. Appeal process is like appealing in user union but you dm the nd comrade you talked over with your appeal (so make it a good one) and then dm the mods with screenshot proof that you resolved it. fake screenies will get you banned from the site, we will confirm with the comrade you dm'd.
3.5) everyone has their own lived experiences, and to invalidate them is to post cringe. comments will be removed on a case by case basis depending on determined level of awareness and faith
4.) Interest Policing will not be tolerated in any form. Support your comrades in their joy!
Further rules to be added/ rules to be changed based on community input
RULES NOTE: For this community more than most we understand that the clarity and understandability of these rules is very important for allowing folks to feel comfortable, to that end please don't be afraid to be outspoken about amendments and addendums to these rules, as well as any we may have missed
founded 3 years ago
MODERATORS
I wouldn't worry too much about social rules about waiting 3 days.
You want to temper your personality if you have a tendency to be excessive but if you do things that are really counter to your nature then you're going to give false impressions and sooner or later you'll be faced with a choice between continuing to keep up the act, which is not good for you or the potential relationship/friendship, or to drop the act, which generally leads to rejection because you will appear to have changed in the eyes of the other person.
Think about this like clothes. You don't want to be wearing something that absolutely isn't your style. You want to wear something flattering that represents the best parts of yourself while minimising the flaws. You don't want to wear your awkward, unflattering house clothes.
In a similar way, you want to present a good version of yourself that minimises the flaws but which is still authentic to who you are when interacting with them.
Next, strike up a conversation with them via message. Tell them that it was nice to meet them and maybe say something like "I would've spent more time chatting to you but I'm kinda shy", except in your own words. Ask them something general in the same message - did they have a good night, were they out for an occasion or were they just having a night out, do they go there often, that sort of thing. But only ask them one question.
Let them respond before your next reply. Hopefully they'll respond with a question for you. Acknowledge what they said, e.g. "Yeah there was a good vibe there the other night. I had fun too." if they said they had a good time, then answer their question and reply with a follow up question that is still pretty general and not too personal.
Keep the back and forth going like that but get more personal on questions gradually or as per their signalling. E.g. if they tell you they were out with friends then it signals that you're allowed to ask them if they are friends from college or something to that effect. If they tell you they were out for a friend's birthday then it signals that you're (most likely) welcome to ask how old their friend was turning. That sort of thing.
If they show an active interest in responding to your questions and (especially) if they reply with questions for you that's a good sign and, eventually, you're either going to have two options:
Tell them that you have a tendency to miss cues and that you appreciate directness
Try to wait for a cue when they bring up the next time they're going out or that they don't have any plans for the weekend and interpret that correctly and do the social manoeuvring to ascertain whether they are inviting you to meet up or they are signalling to you that they want you to offer a suggestion to catch up for coffee or something similar
Option one is easier on you but it's asking them to take a fair degree of risk of rejection which often doesn't go over so well with shy people and those lacking confidence.
Option two is harder and it often takes a degree of familiarity with the steps in the social dance of neurotypicals, which always varies depending on the other person and their cultural context so there's really no hard and fast rules. Sucks, but it is what it is.
If you're leaning towards option one then you can soften the blow by saying that you're pretty direct and honest but that doesn't mean that they have to put themselves on the line because they are welcome to ask direct questions to feel out how where you're at and it'll take the guesswork out of the situation because you don't really play games. I wouldn't word it in those terms though. I'd say something like "I'm a pretty straightforward person and tbh I don't really play games because I'm not good at them so if I ever leave you wondering then feel free to ask me what I'm thinking and I'll give you an honest answer." But put this sort of message in your own words, if you feel comfortable with using it. Or adapt it to your preference.
Eventually the next step will be to nail down a time and place to meet up again that you both agree to.
I hope this is helpful to you.
Do you mind proofreading the first message?
Although I’m worried the conversation could come to a pause. If he just replies with something like “Yeah I had a good time.” with no question for me. There’s nothing really to follow up.
Or actually, I feel like it would probably go “did you have a good time?”, “yeah, you?”, “yeah” and then I wouldn’t know how to follow up.
What could this question be? I can’t really think of anythIng.
Looks good!
If that happens leave it for a short while maybe and then ask them if they go there often.
The next thing, for more neurotypical conversations like this, is "breadcrumbing" where you lead the next question they'll ask you by saying something like "Yeah, I had a good time. It was the first time I've been there and it was more fun than I expected." This indicates that, if they have a fairly high level of social reciprocity, they should ask you where you normally go out where you can respond by saying where you normally go to or, alternatively, to say that you don't go out that often but instead you engage in other hobbies or activities, such as saying that you tend to get up early and go to the gym on weekends rather than going out partying or that you tend to stay in watching movies. That sort of thing.
Were you out with friends? What do you do for fun? Are you in college? That sort of thing. Try to pick up on the cues that the other person leaves for you to inform what you ask about - if they mention a topic they are typically signalling for you to ask a question about that topic.
I'm in awe of the details in these comments and the clarity with which you have communicated them. Thank you, these are super helpful.