From your post its clear that you very much respect your wife and want to provide her with an equal labor marriage. I think that is what everyone should aspire to, bearing in mind some things that I think are kind of being left out here.

So I'll dissent a bit and say, you didn't ask to have ADHD. It is not your fault that you have a neurological disorder that makes it substantially harder for you to manage and perform these same kinds of daily tasks. Your voice throughout this post is extremely unsympathetic of yourself, and I dont think thats fair to you. ADHD isnt a choice. And as much as I think its important to aspire to an equal labor relationship, I think its also extremely important to recognize that some things are harder for us than for neurotypical people. To suggest it is entirely our fault is ableist. We can take actions to try and do more of these tasks that are harder for us, but its important to recognize that they are harder for us than for neurotypical people.

I also know from personal experiences that turning it all inwards on myself only made it harder for me to handle more daily labor. Understanding that I'm doing the best I can, and in the past I was too, made me feel much more motivated in trying to handle more.

It's hard to lose a relationship, it's even harder when you realise that you could have done better, but we are all growing and learning at our own pace and it is rarely beneficial to fault ourselves for not being better at a time that we did our best.

I am sorry for what you are going through, but I hope you can see that as hard as it is, you shouldn't blame yourself for not having the skills that others have when you had struggles that others never did.

I'm sorry to hear you're in your position. Failing marriages are always awful, and when it's caused by disability it can be that much more uncomfortable.

And I'll say that, I relate a lot more to you in this situation. I could never marry someone who needs me to function like I don't have adhd, which is why I married someone who's more like us. I knew what I was getting into and so did she and the loads we share are built on the reasonable expectations we always had, like that things won't always be as clean as we might like them to be and that dinner plans are subject to how much effort we have the capacity to put in at the time.

Keep working on your mental health, and show yourself kindness and forgiveness. Not only do you deserve such things, they're also the most effective tools you can get to help you improve your ability to function outside of pharmaceuticals

A couple things come to mind:

Your wife coming into your marriage with an expectation that you change is not fair to you, nor is it your fault.

Also, you're being really, really negative on yourself. You should be celebrating the progress you've made, but instead you're stuck on "it's not enough." I know this is a hard time, but you can also view this as an opportunity. You have a lot of life left to live, and with the new skills you're learning, you can live it to the fullest.

Did you get a diagnosis?

If not, it's possible this is anxiety from the relationship in a bad feedback loop.

You seem to have some avoidance, she seems removed emotionally(exhaustion), and you both probably need to work on boundaries.

I don't mean to project. My last relationship of 5 years is almost perfectly described by your post including seeking an ADHD diagnosis in therapy. In my case it turned out she was never able to be emotionally available to me in the first place. That drove her to be critical of me and not provide intimacy which in turn caused me to be in a constant increasing state of anxiety about what next thing will I have fucked up. Severe executive dysfunction...

If the problems started 5 years in the relationship, it sounds more that you guys grew apart. Your ADHD might be a factor in that, but it can't be the only thing, since no one suddenly develops ADHD at the age of 38. Doing the math it also seems the problems started during Covid, so maybe that's another factor? It was a rough time for everyone. Anyway, I wish you all the best and don't beat yourself up too much.

Someone already mentioned couples therapy, but I want to reinforce that. Yes, there are ADHD coping skills that you are personally working on. But if you're both interested in improving your relationship, there are things that you can work on together (and many of them won't be ADHD-related).

When you're looking for a couples therapist, if you can find one that's experienced with ADHD, that might be helpful.

One last thought. Sometimes when we have ADHD, we have some internalized ableism. I see some of that in your post: "took me a year to get off my butt," "I wasted a whole year doing nothing." Both of those statements imply you were "lazy." Executive dysfunction can make simple tasks much harder. ADHD people often struggle with medical care. Things like finding a doctor, setting appointments (showing up on-time to an appointment), and getting prescriptions refilled can be huge hurdles. The key is to find systems and supports to help you handle those challenges.

Maybe couples therapy is a better investment than therapy for you individually.

Not adulting enough: is the issue that you are not working or that she doesn't feel you are carrying your part of the domestic work?

I'm really sorry you're going through this. This is rough and I hope you and your wife both find a way through this.

Some thoughts from an internet stranger:

1. Your ADHD is not your fault. You mentioned not doing anything about it for around a year: please remember that ADHD affects your executive function. Maybe you feel like you could have done something earlier, but that's part of the cruelty of executive dysfunction: we rationalise the inactivity ("I was lazy", "I couldn't be bothered", etc.) because that's easier to understand than accepting that for whatever reason your brain just couldn't go there. You're doing something now and that's what matters.

2. Just because your relationship feels like it's not good now, that doesn't mean it can't improve. It sounds like both of you are carrying a lot, and maybe for now the right thing is having space from each other. That's sad, and feeling those feelings is valid and important. But that doesn't mean the story is over for the both of you. Some other people here have mentioned couples therapy, and if that's something you're both interested in I'd also like to join in with recommending that.

I was in a similar boat. We made it two weeks shy of our 13th wedding anniversary. It sucked, and Im sorry you have to go through it too. I don’t have any advice that you’ve probably not already gotten, but maybe I can offer you some perspective.

My ex was the one who shouldered the responsibility, finances, and planning of everything. In hindsight I believe she resented me for it; not that I blame her. So when I loved out, I had to start taking responsibility for myself (and my kids when I have them). I had to, for multiple reasons:

1. I was now single
2. I don’t have family to fall back on
3. I didn’t (and still don’t) want to give her any reason to think I’m incapable of taking care of my kids (i.e. fear)
4. I’m a role model to my kids

I could go on, but the point I am trying to make is that I found my motivation (albeit too late for my marriage) for taking things into my own hands and becoming self sufficient.

Am I perfect? Nope. Do I still need help sometimes? Yep, and sometimes I will involve my ex (because I still don’t have family of my own). She doesn’t mind as much anymore; I also offer to help her too. It’s about the baby steps.

I want to be perfectly crystal clear: in no way am I suggesting that you are to blame! Let me reiterate: you are not to blame, and neither is your wife. I just know that two people can very easily fall into a rut, and then one person feels like they are doing more than the other.

For me and my ex, I was depressed, burned out, and unmedicated for adhd. It took me almost a decade to realize this, and two and a half years to get a grip on it. And Im certain I still have a ways to go.

So please be patient and forgiving with yourself, and I genuinely wish you and your wife the best; whatever that looks like.

Check out the Fever app for local date night ideas. I have found a few fun things like candlelight music, dining in the dark, escape rooms, etc.

Check out Everout for local things like comedy shows, book readings, events, night markets, and other things to do that sound interesting to you. Actually commit to going to one.

Write notes. It sounds corny, but it takes 5 minutes and means a lot, even if you're a rambling mess. Tell her how much she means to you in physical writing.

Find a new meal recipe that sounds good to you. Make the food, get some wine, and ask her about something she is interested in. Listen attentively, and ask questions.

I struggle with ADHD as well. I am always thinking about something else. I am not an extrovert. These ideas are things you can do with your partner, or any new partner/friend. When it comes to whether you should separate, that's something only you can decide. If you want to make it work, it does take effort - a relationship is a two way street, or a dance you can't do apart.

Have you told her this, just like you have here?

Maybe use an LLM to read this…

Edit: I did ask LLM to rewrite it so it is more understandable, for raw version see below:

I’m in a similar situation, just with a 6-year-old child. Our relationship has gone through several cycles: things work for a while, her workload gets heavier, everything builds up, and eventually it becomes too much and we hit a crisis.

After those moments, I try hard to stay organized and keep things running. But suddenly a week comes where I lose all structure, have no plan, things stay undone, and tasks pile up again.

Last year I messed up by taking drugs at parties and not telling her. We’re not anti-drug in general, but the fact that I hid it caused her a lot of pain. Now I’m trying hard again, but since yesterday I’m feeling mild burnout symptoms. My opinions keep shifting too fast, so I struggle to express them clearly.

I don’t know if this helps you directly, but you’re definitely not alone. Many couples with ADHD face the same pattern. I hope you don’t have financial stress, and maybe showing her how other ADHD couples struggle could help both of you feel less isolated. Just try not to use ADHD as a permission to give up — getting organized is hard, but staying organized is even harder.

We’re planning to define our responsibilities clearly. We now use separate calendars so each of us knows exactly what they are responsible for. We’re still working on the household tasks too.

What helps me is keeping one big “dump list” to capture everything — I use Apple Reminders. Then, at a regular time, I sort the tasks into categories (household, family, personal, hobby project, startup group) and rearrange them by priority. With this system, I can create time blocks for each category and simply work from the top down.

Financially we also need changes. I thought my spending was controlled, but it wasn’t. So I’m planning an analysis of our expenses and will set up one main family account for income, plus two small accounts for ad-hoc spending (snacks, lunch, Pokémon cards, raves, etc.). Each month, a set amount will move from the main account to these smaller ones.

Finally, I’ll organize my recurring household tasks in the reminder system too, so she won’t need to remind me anymore.

😃✌🏻

Raw:

I am in a similar situation, but with a 6 year old child..

With our relationship it happened multiple cycles so far

Things kinda work, workload of her hets higher and higher and it builds up until it is too much and we have a situation

After such situations i try hard to keep stuff going, in my mind, planned etc

And suddenly there starts a week, where I have nonplan what I shoud do und things keep undone and task pile up again

I fucked up last year by taking drugs at partys and did not tell her (we are both not anti-drugs per general, but I did not tell her) so now i have caused so much pain

And bow i try hard again, but since yesterday I have weak burn-out symptoms again

And I flip between different opinions, can’t say my explicit opinions, as they change too fast

Ehh

Well, I don’t really know how this could help you, but at least it shows, that you’re not alone, there are many many many people with exactly this same situation, more or less

Hope you have no financial struggles, and maybe show her how others ADHS couples have same struggles

Just try hard not to use it as permission to get lazy, it is hard to get organised, but way harder to stay organised

I plan to define with her clearly who has which responsibilities and we have now not one shared calendar but one for each, so we can define responsibility for events clearly

We are still working on the houshold topics and stuff

But what I think really helps, is to have a list of stuff to remember to dumb everything in. For me it is an apple reminder list

Than i have a regular time frame where I sort those task into categories (household, for family, for me, for my hobby project with friends, my startup group) and sort them by priority from top to bottom

With having such list I now can create time frames that are mapped to each of those lists and when such a time frame comes i can just work from top to bottom

Money wise, we need adjustments as well, because my spending seems controlled to me but turns out, is not. So here I will create an analysis on what spending we have and set up a main money storage for family spending where earned money flows in and two money storage for ad-hoc spending like snak or lunch or Pokemon cards or raves etc. Where depending on calculating i still have to do each month flows a bit from main storage of money.

Hope that solves

Ahh and in the reminder list inplan to organise my repeating houshold tasks as well, so that she won’t have to remind me in the future

😃✌🏻

It sounds like your partner maybe suffering from anxiety issues. As a adhd'r myself I have to constantly defend my need to just let me do things the way I want. Like give me a goal and let me mess up a bit. Just need the space and time to figure out how I am going to do something my own way cause my experience isn't typical and it becomes unintuitive for passerby who are trying to facilitate my progress. As a musician I also have become acutely sensitive to how long it takes me to learn an pickup new skills and how my alternative methods often allow me to flourish while traditional methods often hinder me.