Crossposted from https://lemmy.dbzer0.com/post/64470729

It’s called Evil Autism, because it’s a space based on the old subreddit that was so fun back in the day. Please join and help make this new space feel like another safe space for those of who are ND. I hope to see you there!

Join this space on Matrix https://matrix.to/#/#evil-autism:matrix.org

How am I meant to function like this?

Obviously, ADHD is no superpower, it’s a neurodevelopmental disability. ADHD is the hidden disability that ruins the act of living in most conceivable ways.

Hey guess what though? I have it worse than you. Not that it’s a competition friends. But lemme show you how much worse it can be:

On top of all of what we experience with ADHD, I have to some how navigate a brain that’s currently going through a prolonged SSRI taper.

I don’t have the ability to feel empathy anymore due to these SSRI’s, I don’t feel joy, my ability to think critically is essentially gone, the logical and rational part of me is kind of suppressed as well. All that's left is the talking part of me.

All because I was prescribed incorrectly by a doctor mistaking my ADHD for common run of the mill depression. I’m not even sure the taper will fix it, but I have no choice but to invest four to five years of my life weaning myself off of this drug in the hope that it will fix it. The irony is, I have to expend the limited dopamine available to me on this taper! What other choice do I have?

Also, I have a venous compression in my neck that raises the intracranial venous pressure so much that my brain gets squeezed. Because of the state of the healthcare system in my country, I likely won't resolve this for at least another two years, maybe longer. All the while it looks to me like it's encouraging my brain towards dementia.

Also I have obstructive sleep apnea that, while partially treated, guarantees my sleep now involves starving my brain of oxygen and placing it into hypoxia and no matter what I try I can’t seem to resolve it entirely.

And very recently, I’ve been given the gift of hydrogen sulphide SIBO (which is neurotoxic).

Essentially I have ADHD like always have had, but I now have multiple different kinds of brain injury on top of it. All requiring attention and self advocacy, whilst I lack the ability to do said self advocacy.

But, on the bright side, at least I can’t see just how fucked my life is like I used to be able to. The haze, the fog, whilst frustrating, is also comforting ignorance. Also, I can still talk and write reasonably well, so I can at least give the reassurance to those around me that I'm okay, when I'm not. Also, I have a wonderful partner who is still some how putting up with all of this. Amazingly.

It could be worse, but not by much.

ADHD is not a quirk. It is ruining my life. I am disorganized, I am in debt, I am paralyzed. I can't even get help; I have tried navigating the maze of finding a doctor who will accept my crappy exchange insurance but I always end up throwing in the towel. I thought I found one, once, but sike, he's an addiction counselor who refuses to prescribe stimulant medication on principle.

Not that I'm opposed to trying nonstims again, but I was prescribed Strattera in high school and it made me so drowsy I failed chemistry because I couldn't stay awake even with a full night of sleep. Also, bonus, his profile on the site I used to find him lied, and he doesn't actually accept my insurance. Here's a $500 bill for our 45 minute zoom call where I accused you of drug seeking. I got his practice to cancel the charge but still.

ADHD is ugly; ADHD looks like every chair in my apartment being full of clutter (and me subsequently freaking out because I hate clutter). it looks like brushing my teeth every two or three or five days. It looks like being able to hold on to my job as a waiter nothing else. It looks like me having the money to pay my bills, me wanting to pay those bills, and then me getting sent to collections anyway. ADHD looks like ghosting an old best friend because I'm too embarrassed to keep up with him. It looks like my partner shouldering more of the housework than is fair. And I get to look back on all this behavior, identify and accept that I am the problem, and then I get to do fuck all to fix it. ADHD looks like a horizon that gets narrower and narrower every day.

And I feel alone. ADHD is not cute. It sucks to suck.

I have a deadline for coursework this Friday, its only half done and I have an exam on Thursday yet I'm still struggling with having all these little ideas for fun/cool things I could do. Ive only recently gotten meds (elvanse) so I'm on a low dose right now and I wish the titration would go faster ;(

Within the last month or two I learned here that echolalia is an ADHD symptom. Apparently it's not neurotypical to constantly have songs going through your head that haunt you for days on end and they come into your head when you don't want them and you hate these songs like it's raining right now and I absolutely hate that song by the Eurythmics "here comes the rain again" but I fucking hate that song and that Annie Lennox woman with the man haircut who wears men's clothes staring into my eyes from her MTV video, and it's playing in my head. Help please. Is there a way to get rid of these songs in my head. They never end.

I've been on slow release methylphenidate for about a year and it's mostly been a great help with executive disfunction, focus and motivation.

But there's something strange I've noticed: I have a feeling that it's making me crave alcohol (or drugs in general but the only drug I'd take is alcohol).

Before starting meds the number of times I'd drink in a year had already gradually decreased to maybe four or five times and when I started meds I pretty much stopped completely, I've only had any alcohol twice since then.

But I miss it a lot more than I used to and on some days I get an insanely strong craving.

I've read people say that adhs meds helped them with addictive behaviour but has anyone experienced the opposite?

One of them is the increased number of people caring for mental status, but the other one is, we are living in an era that requires long hours of computer usage which is against the living way of an ADHD person. We need to walk, go out, spend energy, but nowadays we have to stay in an office, look at a screen, which is so boring.

It's not easy to describe but here goes. If I'm doing something for someone (the dishes, cooking a meal, tidying up, decorating a Xmas tree) and they don't know I'm doing it, then I hear them approaching (keys in the front door, the sound of someone getting out of bed upstairs) and I get a huge panicky feeling because if they discover me before I've finished it and they:

1 - Thank me 2 - Don't approve of what I've done 3 - Try to help me 4 - Change what I'm trying to do like "Oh thanks but there's a better table cloth in the cupboard. Here lemme get it" 5 - Try to correct what I'm doing

I will lose all motivation and feel immediately depressed cos I missed the big dopamine hit of going "Tadaaa".

I wonder if there's a term for that situation?

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/38200871

Transport for London is exploring how it can make journeys easier for passengers who find the city’s transport system overwhelming — by trialling a calm, quiet space for neurodivergent customers inside one of its busiest stations.

It'd creat natural triggers for when to pay attention and when its safe to fuck around.

BABUMBUM "OH shit something serious is happening I should prolly pay attention."

Doodotadootadoo "Well no serious shit is going to happen with that kind of up beat shit playing oh look a butterfly..."

I used to use tDCS, transcranial direct current stimulation, for depression*. It worked surprisingly well, I was more 'stable' and got myself out more, slept better, had amazing vivid dreams; then again most of these are typical placebo effects of any antidepressant changes for me, that fade in a few months. And I kept failing to stick to evening routines.

Now, there's some evidence that tDCS may help with some ADHD symptoms. So since I got a personal device anyway, I figured why not try it. I need to get some replacement leads and electrodes since there are some contact issues atm, and look up montages to try, but while waiting...

Has anyone else tried tDCS for ADHD, or depression while having ADHD? What were the results or lack thereof for you? Which montage, current, duration, time of day, and weekly schedule did you use?

*my psychiatrist was already considering it, the wait times were long and the duration limited, so I got my own device and used it under professional guidance and supervision

Like -- Just for an example -- I want to play every video game, so I end up not playing none and instead just fucking around online with stuff that doesn't require initiative. The only override I've found is involving other people, I always make time for an RPG session with my friends or for hanging out and such. But I have trouble starting stuff for myself.

What do?

After cluttering up the top of my drawer for 6 months I got inspired to put it away with a bunch of other things. Except it’s gone. Sigh.

So i was brushing one of my cats a couple days ago, and i didn't put it back where it normally goes. It's now lost forever. I literally cannot find it. I have looked everywhere.

I ALWAYS put things back when i use them. Everything has a specific spot it goes. When I go off script and put it somewhere else other than the specific spot it goes, it's just... gone. Never to be seen again.

Don't you love ADHD? NOT

#JustADHDThings.