An awful day. One of the worst. And all from my own actions and unrealistic expectations. I guess I just needed to type this out.

I blew up so hard earlier. I hate myself. Spent time in the mirror looking myself straight in the eyes listing all the things I truly hate about myself. I didn’t recognize the person I was looking at. I’m so exhausted of this cycle. How many times have I been in this same exact place? I feel so trapped with myself. I’m losing hope that medication will help. This is how I’ve always been and I don’t see how I can get better. I can have spurts of feeling better. But I’m so far from where I should be and seem to be getting worse. The only thing I've been consistent at in my life is fucking things up.

I really wish I could die. I don’t think I can kill myself. Not with my wife. Not with the dogs. Someday if there is a situation where those are not in my life, then maybe. Hopefully? I think back to when we put each of our dogs down and wish someone could do that for me. Inject me with something that will make me feel a calm that I have never experienced. Let me lay there on my living room floor for 5 minutes experiencing it as I fall asleep. Then stop my heart. That is fucking peace.

I need to work on expectations. I don’t know where they come from, why they change so much, or how to tell when they are unrealistic.

I’m so mad at myself for bailing on motorcycle class today. What the fuck was that about. Fucking coward. It wasn’t that I was scared. I was getting mad and frustrated that I was bad. Everyone else was riding in a straight line and it looked like I never rid a bicycle before. I felt myself getting so worked up and wanted nothing but to leave. I almost started crying on the motorcycle when the instructor was trying to help me. Then as I’m walking to the car after I turned my helmet in, I don’t think I’ve felt that level of shame or regret before. What a failure. Why do I just quit everything now?

But I started the day poorly. Woke up with plenty of time, but spent 20 min on my fucking phone. Then scrambling for safety glasses I didn’t prep. Scrambling to pack food. My wife had to get a water bottle for me and I still forgot it. Going around the house at 7am screaming because I’m not prepared for something I set 6 weeks ago. Then I get there and am just in the wrong state of mind, like fucking usual. A lot of times I can snap out of it but I didn’t.

Then get home and fucking snap. Screaming in my room. Bawling. Throwing things. Fucking kill me. Scaring my wife. Scaring the dogs.

I feel so toxic. So much hatred for things. For myself. The hate doesn’t linger but I let it consume me when it’s there. It comes in such strong waves. I think I’m constantly just failing to meet these made up and unrealistic expectations for myself. Then I just lash out at whatever I can.

Now I’m not at the family gathering scheduled 6 months ago. Another thing to add to the list that I hate myself for today. When my wife left she said something like she would stay home with me if I wanted. I felt so bad for not going with her. I told her no she needs to go. She’s the one that planned the damn thing. She told me she loves me and I said I don’t know why. What an asshole.

I feel so immature. So weak. So small. I feel so wrong. Incorrect. I don’t fit in. I make chaos for myself and bounce between one man made disaster to another. I’ve burned so many bridges this year. Lost my friends. Lost my job. I hate myself.

Now I don’t know what to do. have a headache from crying all morning. I’m starving. Absolutely starving. I don’t feel like eating. How do I just roll on to other things after a day like this. Another day like this.

Edit** 9/16 - Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I don't have energy to reply to specific comments. I'm working on moving forward and trying to forgive myself and deal with the embarrassment I'm hanging onto.

I've been seeing an NP this whole year. I'm on my second one after the first was not so great. But the stimulants I'm on do seem better than before. Therapy is a big missing piece. Its was brought up in these comments and my NP is constantly telling me talk therapy is a major part of treatment. I was avoiding and dragging feet for a while. Last month I started reaching out to offices and got the waves of rejections and nobody accepting new patients. I got into one office and had two sessions, with the most recent being last week, but it wasn't going well and he said he was going to refer me to someone else. But that was a week ago and I haven't heard anything so I guess I need to start from scratch finding a new therapist. I've seen in so many posts and peoples stories that therapy is this amazing thing. I've had many attempts at therapy throughout my life and seem to just get mediocre therapists at best that just make me feel like I'm wrong or like they just don't understand what I'm saying or going through. I'm not giving up on it though.

Edit: A great point made in the comments I want to highlight; while it's perfectly normal to grieve, it's also perfectly normal to not grieve. If my points relate to you, look into it a bit more and consider it, but if not - and you don't connect with it - don't be forcing yourself into a headspace, we're all different!

I think this is a very important and not very discussed topic. Dr. Barkley put out a video about this on YouTube a little while back, and I'd already started considering this well before and I was excited to see it backed by his experiences. I think it's quite important because it can help to make sense of different reactions and feelings and try to gain some clarity.

In short, upon getting diagnosed for ADHD, you very well might (I can't say likelihood) experience some "stages" of grief (order not a given) - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. These phases can come and go, and come back again, and Dr. Barkley has a going recommendation to practitioners to discuss this as part of their diagnosis, but they often do not.

I'll just give my own experience here and I highly recommend checking in with yourself / your supports to consider if you might be in this place and needing clarity, and I hope it's helpful.

• Diagnosis: I was original diagnosed with ADHD as a differential diagnosis, but received no treatment. Things continued getting worse, and eventually a new psychiatrist said it was clearly ADHD and started medication.

• Fake Acceptance 1: I was willing to say I had ADHD, and discuss my symptoms and share experiences. It was all surface level.

• Denial 1: The diagnosis was short; I'd had the differential, but I was surprised how quickly he prescribed me medication. I took the medication, and things were much better (early meds euphoria) but even still, I thought I was probably placeboing. I straight up thought my psychiatrist had prescribed a placebo to placate me just complaining about everyday things.

• Anger 1: No, these meds are helping - and they could have helped me for so long. Tens of thousands of dollars in tuition fees from missed deadlines, rent overpayments, not making reimbursement deadlines, late penalties - decades of deep depression, burnout - when it was so obvious. Why wasn't I checked out? Why did my first psychiatrist give up on me? Why didn't my parents ever notice the many signs?

• Denial 2, Bargaining 1: Maybe eventually I can just develop the systems I need to get by, I won't need meds, or maybe I will, but I'll be able to be at 100% without ever exhausting myself or anything. Maybe this is just temporary, and I'll develop the things I need to get through it. Maybe there just wasn't childhood signs.

• Depression 1: But there were. There were signs, the meds help a lot but they don't solve everything. It sucks. It's unfair, I'm tired, I need a break.

• Acceptance 1: After a bit, I started to really feel like I had a disorder, and it was here to stay. Not only that, but the way that I think is fundamentally different from the way most people think, and I will not relate to most people on a deep level because it's been so core to me. I appreciated those I could connect to deeply, and recognized that things are just going to be harder. Society doesn't need to change - I mean, it could - but it's my responsibility, my burden, but that's okay.

• Denial 3, Bargaining 2: ... but, if I just set up my calendar, and set up alarms, and commit to things, we're good! No issues, I'm sure.

!adhs@feddit.org

Feel free to join!

We want to share experiences, tips, news, studies... and discuss about ADHD.

Since things may be different in Germany or other german speaking countries, I created that Community.

By that I mean what are some powerful and simple basic applied techniques or behaviors that are really useful you've developed or discovered in your life that makes things work or improve.

Lets keep them simple and powerful 🧙‍♂️

Let people on the phone know that you don't mind if something is taking a bit longer and that you're cool and with them whatever happens. Say something like, its okay I'm not in a rush ☺️

They'll appreciate taking some of the pressure off and showing you are a receptive audience (you're rooting for them) and I've found it to get superior outcomes since I started doing it, even tho I was always generally polite previously

My memory is not improving as I go unfortunately. I’ve realized that half assing it on this is not working.

If it doesn't feel right then it's hard (impossible) to give a shit. I hear that a lot here.

Money, grades, the advice of revered authority. None of it works. I just blow it off. And suffer of course. But I'm still poking along.

But a couple of things have felt right. And those things go very well. I can draw, I can write software. I can successfully give my attention to a project like that.

One such thing is meditation. Whatever's going on with ADHD, meditation messes with it. I found the button in the center of my head that makes ADHD happen. It feel 100% right. It's like I found a magic thing.

So if you are an ADHD guy then maybe it would feel right for you too.

I recently had to stop taking my vyvanse due to some bad side effects and holy shit I forgot how bad this was. I can't do anything. I have so much shit I need to do but I sit down to do it and it genuinely fills me with dread. I am just staring at my computer. Even getting to the webpage I needed took hours of convincing. This is horrible, even caffeine isn't helping. What do y'all do? How do you manage?

Hey, first day with Elvanse!

Was pretty crazy, and tbh 30mg are also too much for me. I find it crazy that this is the standard dose people get.

I had 110+ BPM (If my Mi Band 8 is reliable), slight nausea, 0% appetite etc.

I used Modafinil before to cope with my (then unknown) ADHD and there I took ¼ pill, so also really little.

I prefer to be in control, and this was a lot!

The pills are not delayed (retarded??) and a possible consumption way is powdering over a Joghurt etc.

So I will firstly just try 10mg, maybe 15 or 20. I have a pretty good body awareness, that should be enough.

But still, that stuff lasts 14h+ ! That is intense, longer than a lot of other drugs, even LSD.

This also means that my evening today was kinda gone, because I was so exhausted, like in my brain, a pretty strange feeling.

The alternative, Medikinet, lasts 2-3h which is kind of a joke.

Is there something that lasts 8h? A whole work day would be way better.

Why are 3 comments deleted?

I didnt find anything in the modlog, while my other post was removed as it links to Mastodon.

I find this pretty bad, because deduplicating writing effort is not sustainable

Update: now at least 4 comments are deleted.

I started uni 2014 and I've still yet to finish it because of life BS. Dealing with depression / ADHD has made finishing my degree seem impossible for me to do and I feel like an absolute failure everyday because of it. I wasted many semesters attempting clases and then dropping out when my grades weren't good.

My parents both graduated by their early 20s and had me at 23; I'll be 29 soon and I still live with them working at a Walmart to make ends meet and even with that I'm about to be fired for poor performance. I feel depressed being there because I was given everything in life to be successful and yet I wasted my 20s away being depressed / suicidal. All of my friends all have graduated long ago and have better jobs and I get envious seeing them being successful. All I think about is splattering my brains all over the wall.

I don't have a plan to follow, every day I'm just hating myself for wasting my best years over stupid shit instead of focusing.

Due to the recent thread here that I unfortunately had to delete (the OP was not playing nice), and the evidence and similar stories mounting over the last few years, I am making this post to acknowledge the problem our USA brethren are dealing with.

I am not saying there are any good solutions to this, or that you should take things into your own hands, thats for each person to decide for themselves. But this is rather an acknowledgement and also a reason to treat this situation with empathy.

Stay safe out there everyone!

Greetings!

I was diagnosed a few months back and I’ve gotten on Vyvance 20mg to great effect. I’m not perfect, but much better.

However I do find that my focus wanes in the evening when I want to kick back and practice a hobby like drawing or music, I can’t sit down and just do it.

If anyone has advice or experience that might help, I’d be very grateful.

Hi everyone! I was diagnosed a few years ago in my early 30s, and started taking Adderall along with some different drugs for anxiety as well.

With Adderall and then Wellbutrin, even in small dosages, I notice that my HRV Stress (recorded on a Garmin 945 Forerunner) is significantly elevated for the entire day. When I used to take a midday and evening dose of (instant release) Adderall, it severely impacted my sleep. I also tried extended release taken in the morning, and that caused sleeping issues as well. So did an extended release of Wellbutrin.

Basically, any benefits those medications provide (and it didn't really feel like it was helping) were offset by the bodily impact.

Has anyone had a similar experience with either of these medications? Any notable co-morbidities or changed metabolism or something that you identified as causing these symptoms? Did Ritalin or Strattera work for you when Adderall did not? I've been cycling through other non-stim medications with my provider, but haven't found anything that provides benefits for ADHD (I'm currently on guanfacine and zoloft, which mitigates my anxiety at least).

Maybe this doesn't need to be said but this is a different question to which video game genres do you enjoy. For example, I enjoy playing Dota 2. Every few months or so, I'll play it for a couple of weeks and put it back down. I'll never play more than two or three matches and I feel 'present' for the duration.

Paradox grand strategy games (especially EUIV), however, I can start playing at 7am and in a blink of an eye it can be 11pm and I won't have eaten or used the toilet or anything. I can do this for multiple days in a row. Furthermore, I don't often feel like I'm 'enjoying' it. I'm just consumed by it.

I'm intrigued to hear whether or not anyone recognises this difference in themselves. If you have any insight as to why you're consumed by some games and not others, I'd be very interested.

First off: I am still undiagnosed. I've followed the ADHD topic for more than a year now since I seem to match a whole lot of symptoms and behavior patterns. An official diagnosis will most probably still take another year. I live in Germany.

One thing that got me wondering was caffeine. As I've heard, drinking coffee will make ADHD folks not feel any more awake, maybe even a little tired.

While it doesn't make me feel awake as well, I very vividly remember my first coffee a long time ago that caused a massive outburst of productivity when all of the time I was known for being 'lazy' and distracted. However the effect quickly diminished with each subsequent coffee over the next year.

Isn't this a contradiction though? If I actually had ADHD, why did coffee have this awakening effect on me back then?

I was diagnosed in 2019; late in life, mid 30s. One of the biggest issues I've been struggling with lately are these huge cyclical mood swings that can last weeks. I'll be up and active, optimistic, and productive for a week or so, and feel like there's nothing I can't do. I'm excited about everything and often make a lot of overly-aggressive plans. Then the wave of depression comes, and I'll spend a week in bed, crying, and then a week or two basically just disassociating and actively avoiding any responsibilities. The down is always longer than the up, and I feel like I'm slowly losing ground to the depression. I'm not sure if I've always had these issues or if they've just gotten worse lately. My ability to look into the past, especially in regards to my own emotional state, is limited.

My doc says that "cyclothymia" or mood cycles are not uncommon with ADHD, though they are not technically related I guess. That said, I don't see too many people talking about it. Anyone else dealing with this sort of thing?

If you haven't heard this cliche while discussing your neurodivergency with someone, then I envy your luck. Yesterday I fucked up, I feel shitty, but also I am pissed.

Our brains are impulsive af and tend to forget the most important information. We mess up, our RSD (and empathy) kicks in, we feel terrible, we vow to be more careful, but guess what? Thats fucking exhausting.

As a result, we start overthinking our every waking moment, stressing over every little thing. Because, we are trying to be aware of the things we cannot perceive.

At some point, hopefully we realize that we cannot live like that, and we start to arbitrarily ignore our compulsion to overthink. Most often that works out great because most often the threat is not real, but sometimes we make the wrong call.

The times we overthink are still more than the times we do not, and we still mess up. Let us have our fucking peace.

cross-posted from: https://lemy.lol/post/30077456

Stolen from Mastodon.

When I take Ritalin, I need to take an initial dose of 15-20mg for it to be effective (and then taper it down every 50 minutes otherwise I get jittery). But when I was on Concerta, 18mg was not enough, even though it is roughly the same dosage. Is the Concerta dosage not comparable to that of the Ritalin as it is spread out over a longer period? I know 30mg of Ritalin would be way too much for me – but does that necessarily mean that 36mg of Concerta would too?

As the title says. I always really struggle to be on time (last year I missed around 30% of school😅). I did try some of the popular advice and sometimes it worked, but never for longer than 2 days. Since then I've also found out that it's very likely that I have adhd. Well school is starting soon and I really need to get this under control.

Probably not a problem for everyone but it was a problem I was running into where my meds weren't being as effective towards the bottom of the bottle and then would work great after a refill.

My meds are supposed to be stored between 67F and 77F and my apartment has been routinely getting to around 85F for days (and weeks) at a time and by the time I was getting close to the bottom of the bottle it wasn't really working that well for me.

So I took one of those can fridges and added some temperature control to it to automatically keep it in the temperature range I need and also added a large bag of dessicant in there to keep the humidity low as those little can fridges suck up moisture something fierce.

So basically make sure your meds are stored properly or you'll probably have some additional issues that you really don't need.