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How important is chemistry/attraction? Can it develop over time? (lemmy.world)
submitted 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) by ThrowAwayForObvReasons@lemmy.world to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
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I don't know where to begin, so I'm just going to put words on 'paper'

I'm 33 and got out of a serious relationship ~6 months ago.

I'm looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with, and recently met someone that is a perfect fit for me on paper in so many ways, however there is a thought or feeling I just can't escape. I feel there is a lack of chemistry/attraction.

My new potential partner and I have been seeing each other for about a month, and have spent many days and nights together. She is objectively good looking and anyone would be lucky to have her multiple of my friends have said wow she's really pretty when they've met her however I don't feel the chemistry/attraction and I think I know where it comes from.

My ex was extremely feminine and we had insane chemistry from the start, the new potential partner I'm dating isn't feminine and is quite masculine in physical and behavioral ways and I think that's a turn off for me. I didn't even realize femininity mattered this much to me.

I feel insane for thinking of breaking things off with an objectively attractive, successful women who's logistics fit so well with mine it's honestly like finding a needle in a haystacks.

I feel stuck constantly fighting questions like:

  • Am I just full of shit and looking for a unicorn that doesn't exist?
  • Should I listen to my heart and feelings and let go of this because - it doesn't feel right?
  • I'm getting old and want to settle down, should I priorities logistics and accept good enough?
  • Am I just overly picky? Can I afford to be this picky?

My heart is telling me one thing, my head another. Help

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[-] SuperNovaStar@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 3 weeks ago

I will say don't ignore your feelings. That doesn't mean do whatever your feelings are saying, but it is important to listen to them.

Your feelings are information. That feeling is coming from somewhere and it's trying to tell you something. The reason it's a vague feeling instead of a concrete thought is that it's coming from a part of your psyche that you aren't fully conscious of right now, and it needs to come to the surface before you make a decision.

If you meditate at all, I might so some of that. If you don't meditate, you should do something that engages your body but leaves your mind free. I find that a long walk - not so vigorous that you can't get lost in thought - can do wonders to open a dialogue with yourself and help discover the source of vague feelings.

I also really love Tarot for this sort of thing, but if you've never done tarot I suggest doing something you're familiar with. Whatever helps you listen to your own thoughts.

[-] snooggums@piefed.world 0 points 3 weeks ago

I tend to think of chemistry (interactions) as a separate thing from physical attraction, but both can develop over time. They also might not.

If you are fine with ending the relationship and willing to risk it imploding, you could always openly talk about your preferences and see if your partner is open to trying something out. For example, if she always wears pants but your idea of feminine involves dresses and skirts you could just ask about why she prefers pants over skirts and dresses.

Actually being interested in why and not becsuse you want a specific outcome will increase the odds of that conversation going well. Heck, maybe a discussion about whatever your preferences are will open up your ideas of what feminine means!

[-] Maeve@kbin.earth 0 points 3 weeks ago

I would say attachment to an outcome seems problematic.

[-] snooggums@piefed.world 0 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

Attachment to an outcome from a conversation is fine as long as one is ready to deal with any other outcome.

If the other person was doing horrible stuff, being attached to an outcome where they apologize and change is perfectly fine. How feminine someone's partner presents might seem petty to others but is crucial for them, and the important thing is they self reflect and decide on what things are actual dealbreakers and which can be lived with.

[-] Maeve@kbin.earth 0 points 3 weeks ago

https://therapistconfessions.substack.com/p/letting-go-of-attachments-to-outcomes

When I think of being attached to an outcome or result, I immediately connect it to the unintentional suffering that follows. Feelings associated with suffering may include anger, rage, misery, and even guilt. It is entirely possible to process and move through these emotions, but in many cases, people are unwilling to do so. Instead, they dwell on them, focusing on how things are not going as planned. They fixate on what else could “go wrong.” These thoughts and feelings ultimately point to an underlying issue —control.

While we have some power in our lives, we do not have as much control as we think. Even when we understand this, we still grasp onto any sense of control to make ourselves feel “safe” or “secure” because sitting in the unknown is incredibly painful for most of us. We expect predictability, certainty, and absolutes in a world that offers everything but that. We curse the heavens when we do not get our way, yet we know we cannot always get what we want.

Control is an illusion. It does not exist. The idea of control traps us, keeping us stuck, treading water, and desperately trying to come up for air. We become addicted to forcing solutions, negotiating with ourselves that if we keep trying, something will eventually work. This happens because we want to feel better internally. We are impatient, untrusting, and anxious. Instead of learning to tolerate uncertainty, we want to eliminate it the moment it arises. However, the only way to find relief is to surrender to what is and let go—surrender to the new reality in front of you, surrender to the fact that you do not have all the answers, and surrender to the new reality in front of you, surrender to the fact that you do not have all the answers, and surrender to the possibility that other paths exist. This will set you free and relieve your suffering, my friend.

The whole article is worth reading, but obviously you can do what you want.

[-] snooggums@piefed.world 0 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

OP is not coming to grips with being unhappy about their life not living up to their expectations, that is a completely different topic.

It also presents acceptance as the ultimate outcome for anything not going as expected and glosses over setting personal boundaries, which is the worst kind of therapist advice.

this post was submitted on 24 Nov 2025
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