Ah yes, readable code… if you’re fluent in Ancient Developer.
The moment when you realize you wrote it.
spoiler gitgud
𓎼𓏏 𓎼𓂧
getgood
reach better[ment]
I get regularly complimented on my code for how understandable it is radiates smugness
It's ChatGPT that's commenting this, isn't it?
who the fuck wrote this garbage
me. its just me every time.
What idiot wrote this? It's complete nonsense... Oh right.
I forget which extension it is but the thing that shows a faint git blame at the end of the line under cursor in VS Code has been… humbling.
Why the fuck would I do this? This is nonsense. This way is way better.
*half an hour later, when I run into a major, strangely familiar bug*
Ooooohhhh!
That's when a "here be dragons" comment needs to be added.
/*
By all accounts, the logic in this method shouldn't work. And yet it does. We do not know why. It makes no sense whatsoever. It took three weeks and numerous offerings to the programming gods, including using one of the junior devs as a human sacrifice, to unlock this knowledge. DO NOT LET HIS VIOLENT AND UNTIMELY DEATH BE IN VAIN! Touch this at your own peril.
--jubilationtcornpone 12/17/25
*/
public async Task<IResult> CalculateResultAsync()
{
// Some ass backwards yet miraculously functional logic.
}
--jubilationtcornpone
He led the retreat that saved our town!
That long-ass horizontal scroll bar reminds me of how I used to put unfindable easter eggs into my Visual Basic apps. I would have amusing little messages pop up from time to time in message boxes. To prevent anyone from just searching for the exact text in the message box, I would reduce it to a series of concatenated Chr() statements and then I would put like 200 characters of whitespace in front of the message box call. The only way anybody would spot it would be if they noticed the horizontal scroll bar this produced and nobody ever did.
At least that's my theory. It's also possible that nobody ever used the software that I produced.
A friend of mine used to teach coding decades ago and one story I'll never forget is about the student who had an assignment that asked for a "for" loop to be used, but they didn't quite know how to use it so they just wrote a broken loop there and then hid a "while" loop at the far end of the line.
Code compiled, had a "for" loop and had the right output.
A skilled programmer can make self documenting code, so I always document mine.
Nah. No code actually documents itself. Ever. Anyone who says they can is an idiot that doesn't understand the purpose of comments and docs.
Code can never describe intent, context, or consequences unless you read every line of code in every library and framework used, and every external call. Especially if they aren't doing "fail fast" correctly.
// Prints "Hello World!" to the screen
printf("Hello World!");
I did not say comments should directly explain what the code is obviously doing.
My favorite thing about the "all comments are bad" crowd is that their first example is almost always something like this:
// Add 1 to x
x = x + 1
Like, nobody that thinks comments are good and important would ever add a useless comment like that. The point of commenting is to add documentation (usually the only form of documentation that a future developer is ever going to read) only to code that would otherwise be inscrutable.
You'd think that, and yet I've once worked in a project in a fortune 500 company that basically wouldn't even compile if we didn't add comments like that.
No kidding the compiler enforced specific comment patterns so if you had a line do x = x + 1, it would not compile if it was not preceded by a comment that started with "Add" and included "1" and "to x". Even in dev mode if you wanted to just try something you had to comment everything.
The original dev was super proud of this tools that generated HTML documentation about everything based on those comments. And the whole documentation was stuff like:
*price*: The price
Every good idea can be taken to a ridiculous extreme.
and that... is ridiculous.
I inherited a code base probably written by a squirrel, and the first thing I did was to write documentation on infrastructure, business logic, architecture, deployment and whatever. I had to read everything anyways, because the guy handing it over had no idea what it did and left the company shortly after. It's fine now, but that path was horrible.
I'm living this right now. The lead programmers are long gone for a setup that uses Python, C++, and Linux. The only other guy who knows it is pulled to three other projects and I only have a C++ class taken over 15 years ago under my belt. I'm somehow expected to decipher this shit and explain the function of a few dozen variables and it's going as well as one might expect.
Who wrote this shit?!
Oh, it was me. Last month.
The only times I've seen devs do inline comments in their code is when it's been done by AI, and I can tell it's AI because the comments are all useless and describing what's happening, not why.
// Format user object
function formatUserObject(user) {
I've seen lots of such crap written by humans. I guess AI had to learn it from somewhere.
AI mostly learned it from programming tutorials and things like documentation and Q&A forums like StackOverflow. People often add comments in those cases to explain to somebody not familiar with code what is happening so they can learn from it.
In actual code written by people who write code for a living I'd hope the comments are much more useful and usually not as prevalent.
// 🚨 Log error to console console.error(error);
I once tried vibe coding a web app using GitHub Copilot. That motherfucker wrapped every single endpoint with
try:
...
except Exception:
return "An error occurred"
What the fuck is wrong with you Copilot? This piece of shit trying to hide all the errors. If I don't know there are errors then there aren't errors. Apparently
It's actually kind of hilarious how closely it mimics a human programmer who just sucks at it.
I wish to god Visual Basic was still around so Copilot et. al. could get infected with ON ERROR RESUME NEXT statements. Or its under-appreciated but vastly more horrific cousin ON ERROR RESUME.
I might make that my first coding project after I retire. I bet I can code up a global import that implements "ON ERROR RESUME" in a couple of modern languages...
// 🤦 You are totally right! Simply logging the 🚨 error to the console isn't proper error handling. 🫣 We now throw an exception instead. throw new ApplicationException(error);
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