“You haven’t made up anything about us having a completely made-up terrorist organization that’s taken over part of the city in a while and it feels like you don’t even think we have it anymore,” Seattle continued. “If you’re over the Antifa thing and have more of a wine mom gang thing going on now, we assure you we have that as well—okay, it’s more of a sour beer mom gang but basically the same thing. You’re mostly ignoring us like we’re Alabama or something. When we flooded last month, you didn’t even withhold FEMA support. Honestly, the lack of focused white-hot hatred you used to have for us is just getting downright insulting.”

At press time, a sympathetic Trump promised he would at least punish it for being a sanctuary city with massive federal funding cuts soon. “