Updates alone have no way to happen solely on the local machine.

No, but it wouldn't need to cost the original vendor that much backend resources either if they're willing to relinquish control of it. There's a reason most Linux distros would rather you use the torrent than their hosted images, and package managers allow you to add any mirror you want and for anyone to spin up a mirror. Something like IPFS (or BitTorrent) would be a great fit for software updates, because it doesn't matter where the file comes from, as long as it's the same file.

Updates are expensive for the vendor because they insist on their servers being the only place you can get them from.

Image/video/audio processing that requires more compute than you can reasonably except from average consumer hardware.

I'd be more accepting of this if it wasn't for the fact that they increasingly don't even let you try to run it on your own hardware. Taking an hour or even overnight to process a video might not be ideal, but there are still countless use cases where that's acceptable and worth the security of not sending your data to the cloud.

Antivirus and other forms of security which require near real-time fingerprinting and/or new definitions.

Antivirus is an antipattern and the need for it is usually a symptom of the OS architecture/permission control model being hopelessly vulnrable. An ideal system would be zero trust and some random piece of code wouldn't be able to do anything truly harmful to begin with. You can still social engineer the user into giving a malicious program trust, but you can social engineer them into whitelisting it in their antivirus too.

Licensing/certificate servers

Certificates don't need that much backend resources and can be decentralized in the same way as updates, taking load off the original vendor.

Licensing is a circular argument. I'm paying for you to maintain the system that determines if I paid or not?

Servers which receive and process telemetry data

Yeah that's not a "feature" most people appreciate. At best they accept it as inevetable because they can't turn it off.

Also, if a company tries using that as justification for their subscription model, they can go fuck themselves.

Resources for submitting/processing/securing legal/government forms/documents

If it has to do with the legal system or government, then it should be covered by the ultimate subscription model: taxes. I shouldn't have to cover a company's costs of filing things with the government when I already pay the government.