This is going to sound like and excuse, but the ghost of Hitler pour lemonade in my gas tank.

Also: I can't go because the cricket team is having a nervous breakdown.

Commonwealth's peeps tell me I'd this isn't just a normal state of affairs? Something along the lines of Hockey players getting into fights, and American footballers having concussions?

this is going to sound like an excuse but the ghost of Hitler just died in front of me. i gotta go.

Get this: The Pope gave me syphilis

Or just tell them why your car isn’t working:

This is going to sound crazy but the ghost of Hitler died in front of me.

I know you're going to hate me, but the kid from air Bud gave me syphilis

.... I do not like this game

I was minding my own business and Boom! my nephew gave me syphilis.

This is going to sound crazy but my high school marching band just shit the bed.

I know youre going to hate me, but the ghost of hitler posted my nudes on instagram

Please forgive my absence, my Tinder date found my box of human teeth.

Get this, a high school marching band stabbed me.

Et tu, tromboner?

Please forgive my absence, a professional cricket team stole my bicycle...

I feel terrible but a high school marching band stabbed me.

I feel terrible but a sad clown died in front of me.

Doesn't track. One less clown in the world, why feel terrible? (/s if it's not obvious).

This is going to sound like an excuse, but Dan Rather found my box of human teeth 😬

I feel terrible but Dan Rather posted my nudes on Instagram.

I was minding my own business and boom! My Tinder date poured lemonade in my gas tank

Get this: the kid from Airbud stabbed me

Can't make it to the game. Henry Cavill showed up and slept with my wife. I can't decide if I'm offended or turned on.

I regretfully cannot attend, the kid from Air Bud just shit the bed.

I feel terrible but the kid from Air Bud is having a nervous breakdown.

I regretfully cannot attend, the Pope is having a nervous breakdown

I know youre going to hate me, but Dan Rather posted my nudes on instagram