One time I went to a Walmart in the middle of the night and turned all the cart returns backwards. What does that make me?

But then what do you do about those monsters who leave carts in motion, on slopes, leaving them to hit parked cars?

I’m not sure I agree. I think there’s some merit to leaving your cart in a different spot, where it could likely be more convenient for someone than the cart return aisle. As long as it’s secured so it doesn’t roll away, I don’t see the problem there. It’s chaotic good, at the very least.

If there was a law punishing people for not putting shopping carts back, I would deliberately break it and sue whatever stupid fucking government passed such a thing under the grounds listed in the post.

A law like that would be a violation of our rights. You can't just use government to force people to do whatever you want. We have rights.