I'm getting major "I'm asking for a friend" vibes off of this post.

I don't know, u/FART...

Um, I wouldn't. I would quit and move to another country.

"Do you smell that? I can't figure out where it's coming from!"

You wouldn't have a chance, HR would have been notified instantly, because that's creepy A.F.

brother im gonna be real with you i think id never show up at that workplace again

It depends. Did you, sorry, your friend, get caught sniffing a single seat or is there CCTV footage of them sniffing a lot of seats (presumably all the women in the office). The former is easier to get away with than, say, being caught licking a bicycle seat, just say your pen rolled under the desk and you were on your hands and knees by the chair fishing for it. If it's the latter then walk out immediately, then drive a truck laden with gas canisters into the front of the building and throw a Molotov cocktail at it in the hole that the explosion and fire would destroy any evidence and anyone who saw it.

by getting it surgically altered. I could never show the old face ever again.

also, moving and changing my name.

yikes

If you couldn't bullshit out of that in in moment, you're not getting away with it now. Go work in a theater.

okay dude, be honest where you the weirdo that got caught

"Does this smell like burnt toast to you? Oh, it doesn't? Maybe I should go to the doctor..."

Save face? You wouldn't need to... You get fired for doing shit like that.

Someone round the office has been ripping extremely distinctive aweful farts and I need to discover who in order to stop them

I would probably just kill myself out of embarrassment tbh, to a seppuku thing because I have dishonored myself

I'm trying to figure out which chair is mine - it has a faint coffee stain.

Gently explain to anybody who will listen that you accidentally spilled some of your cocaine.

sniffing seats at work

Seppuku

Why do you ask?

eye contact, then lick the chair

"My boss told me I get to be supreme chair sniffer for the day, can I sniff your chair?"

Sounds like somebody didn’t poop for a whole week

username checks out

I don't think I'd have to worry as much since my sense of smell is basically gone.

I'm sure the people I'm working with would know that, so I'd be forced to save face for having my face too close to their seats, in which I got no clue how to save face from that.