Before all this I was attending a decently prestigious collage, got in with my high SAT scores even though my hs grades sucked. I had talked to quite a few different medical professionals and therapists, been diagnosed with Autism, MDD and ADHD by different people. I tried so many different medications and treatments that I have lost count. Eventually I just gave up, I was attending a college I didn't pick to appease my parents who were trying desperately to give me direction in life but there simply was no motivation, no passion for anything and it was exhausting. With hindsight I wish I had the strength to continue at the time because losing your sanity in isolation is so much worse. often times the world around me feels as though it isn't even real anymore, as though I already died and this is all in my head. The last moments of time always marching towards but never reaching brain death and you end up living on forever (from you own prospective) in your own head. rationally I realize this probably isn't true but it certainly feels that way. The only thing preserving my remaining sanity is video games and youtube. I have played so many games and I keep replaying them because my memory is shot at this point and I rarely remember anything past 6 months. you probably cant fix me but it is nice to get this off my chest, the only other time I had the chance to lay my thoughts down like this was when I wrote a suicide note to keep for when the time comes, so thank you for giving me a place to unload even if you perhaps meant it as a joke.