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The original was posted on /r/hfy by /u/KamchatkasRevenge on 2024-10-30 23:36:23+00:00.

Observer Wu sighs, shifts himself a bit and takes a sip of his tea.

"Very well. I suppose that addresses my main concerns. I would like to discuss your personal narrative next. You have a bit of a high profile back home. Your exploits that have filtered back to Earth in intelligence reports have been exciting, more like an adventure novel than anything serious, and you have been confirmed to be the second wealthiest Human man presently alive, save only Admiral Cistern. The man's used his salary to play the stock market in ways that have to be seen to be believed."

"I pity the individual on the wrong end of Admiral Cistern in business or in battle. He's a master of logistics and he can apply that thinking to hand out absolutely crushing defeats. I also imagine his accountants are the kind that can keep tally on the value of souls if need be."

Wu gives Jerry a slightly tart look, apparently the man didn't appreciate levity.

"Quite. Your initial time with the Dauntless is well documented, standing as commander of one of the special forces squadrons alongside Commander Sir David Forsythe, also presently aboard this ship, which you have named the Crimson Tear. Setting aside that such a vessel is not just purchasable but 'commonly' purchasable at a certain scale within an individual family's buying power..."

"Admittedly, we did have to take out a loan."

"After putting an unholy amount of money down and signing a contract with Admiral Cistern that saw many of the upgrades to your vessel paid for, I'm aware. Including a volume of weapons that would make even your American founding fathers a bit nervous to see in private hands.”

Jerry should let that comment go, but simply can’t resist.

“Not that I’m an American citizen any more, but the second amendment to the constitution of the United States explicitly covers fully armed and operational warships.”

“...How do you figure?”

He’d caught Wu off guard with that response. Whatever Wu had expected, it clearly hadn’t been that.

“It doesn’t specify small arms for one, and the founders were big fans of privateering. Admittedly we’re operating at a much larger scale than the founders could have dreamed of with the Crimson Tear, but the concept, and the philosophy that sees almost every vessel in the galaxy mounting at least a few weapons would be quite familiar to them.”

“... Be that as it may, I wish to discuss the ship, its crew and its mission later. Once we reach its acquisition in your narrative. How did you meet your first wife? And can you tell me a little about how you feel about the state of marriage in the galaxy?"

"Certainly. I met Sylindra by random chance."

"Random?"

"Entirely. One of my commandos met a woman while we were out on shore leave. She came along with us and later married him, I believe they're on Zalwore now starting up the special operations training course there. Anyway, I asked her if she knew anything about cloning and she said she didn't, but that she worked as a secretary for a 'vegetarian carnivore' and sent her orders in to a boutique cloning specialist who might be able to answer my questions. She implied that men, as the pretty faces of the galaxy, generally have an easy time getting that kind of help."

"...I'm sorry to derail slightly, but a vegetarian carnivore?"

"Quite common in the galaxy actually. Vegetarian carnivores only eat cloned or vat grown meat. In theory, any meal you've had aboard with meat in it is technically vegetarian."

"Doesn't your conglomerate produce actual livestock?"

"Yes, but we're a few years off from having properly raised cattle for slaughter, and even then bringing that kind of luxury aboard a deep space vessel would be impractical when we can clone whatever we'd want to eat in a day or two."

"...I see. Please, continue."

"Right. Not much more to tell really. The owner of that cloning specialist business was Syl. We talked business, and had agreed on a partnership. Syl determined that all the profits going into a single bank account would be more efficient. She argued her position... persuasively."

The Observer arches an eyebrow but declines to comment, gesturing for Jerry to continue.

"Not much to tell besides that. Syl made me a happily married man, then relaxed me on the idea of galactic marriage. I can understand the 'clan' concept that really underlies what we think of as marriage out here, but the idea of a cold, impersonal arrangement with some or even one of my wives was... not something I liked. Syl was very supportive in us together setting our tone, not just as a clan, but as a family. Once I'd agreed to the idea, she cleared her senior geneticist, Nadi, to try and win me over, and messaged a number of her sisters who held similar ideals as Syl and invited them to come meet me."

"Is that how it works? A woman gets married and invites any single relatives to her marriage?"

"No. Or yes. Depends. Usually it's not any single relative, but close ones. Syl's sisters are spread across... three or four litters I believe, only two of them are Syl's litter mates, but they're all close for other reasons."

"Your first wife is a Volpir correct, a fox like alien?"

"Correct."

"They give birth in litters?"

"Similar to Earth foxes in size, less than two calls the health of the mother into concern, average size is three to four, but six is not unknown. My wife Firi delivered eight, which had it occurred on a Volpir world, would have been in the news. It's worth noting that, by way of comparison, more than single births is nearly unheard of in Cannidor, and the average Apuk clutch size is eight, with more being frequent enough occurrence. My wife Princess Aquilar, an Apuk woman, just laid her clutch of fourteen."

Observer Wu mouths 'fourteen' to himself for a moment before taking a few more notes.

"I see. So you met Syl's sisters before your first 'civilian' violent encounter on Centris?"

"After the incidents you were referring to. The girls were spread out over two quadrants. Intergalactic travel's fast, but not instant."

"So who was your third wife? And under what circumstances did you meet her?"

"I met Eymali, a Yauya huntress after she came in to commission a clone of an extremely dangerous extinct predator from her home world. Hunting such a creature was the traditional way to earn the title of huntsmistress, a position of great esteem in the Yauya culture. I accidentally proposed..."

Observer Wu raises two fingers.

"Your pardon. How does one accidentally propose?"

"Observer, there are more species and cultures in the galaxy than it is physically possible to count and believe me the Galactic Council is trying. Quite literally anything and everything can be taken as a marriage proposal... especially for more desperate or less scrupulous women. In my case, I offered Eymali a deal on the animals she wanted cloned, and a free cat, which she'd expressed interest in, if she succeeded. In a hunting culture like the Yauya's, a man issuing a hunting challenge to a woman..."

"Is basically asking her to show she can provide for offspring and prove her worth. Yes. That makes quite a bit of sense as a proposal actually."

"Well what sealed the deal with an attempted robbery. Members of a sub clan of a large organized crime syndicate..."

Jerry definitely was not going to mention that one of his mothers-in-law, who happened to be a living god, happened to run that crime syndicate.

"Figured a business that was known to be Human affiliated and had just made a big splash with a new food product would have a lot of credits on hand. Credits being actual precious metals instead of a fiat currency is interesting, but best left to an economist for an explanation. Eymali and I defeated the criminals and I figured she'd earned the proposal for real. We still went on a few dates before she left for her hunt of course, but people get married faster and know each other less all the time back home."

"I see. Which then leads to the 'Centris Plaza Shoot Out', as the infonet video was titled. Though I hear the combat footage has also been released in high def?"

"With a physical collector's edition that's pretty much exclusive to Cannidor space. Cannidor like to talk about the Cannidor after all, and as a martial culture good combat footage can end up being like a major motion picture release, especially if it's in high definition or has some 'plot' attached to it."

"Plot like what?"

"Like a new species of alien man meeting a power armored Cannidor mercenary in the middle of a gunfight, seducing her, then together beating down several hundred gangsters with various weapons, followed by getting married. Which is the narrative of the plaza shoot out that I think makes it so popular with the Cannidor in particular but warrior cultures in general. It's usually subtitled 'Jaruna and Jerry's First Date' in most formats."

"...I watched the footage. That counts as a first date!? There must have been several hundred people killed or injured in that fire fight."

Jerry arches an eyebrow at Wu before smiling again.

"My dear observer, that doesn't just count as a first date. The reason it's so popular is because it's not just a first date but a fantasy date for most Apex species. Warrior men themselves are fantasy fodder much as warrior women are fantasy fodder for many men on Earth. Red Sonja is an Earth example, and Thargor the Mighty is a galactic example in a comparable genre. So finding a ...

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