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I think Linus has it figured out
(lemmy.world)
When someone is abusive or hurtful to you, 90% of the time it's not your fault. It's that there is something wrong or something broken in them. They are malfunctioning and it's necessary to understand that.
The other 10%.... Well, own that and fix your mistake.
But a very large majority of the time, it's them being broken and wrong.
National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)