Where did things go wrong?

I’m not a woo type person but my mom was and she was into a thing called “karmic debt” or karma “whatever goes around comes around” stuff. At the time I didn’t really put into thought into it and I’ve always felt the need to put some distance between myself and my moms beliefs because they all stem from instagram so it just feels disingenuous and a way for people to market faith. But I won’t tell them not to practice whatever they want too and if it helps then I’m not one to judge.

Maybe it’s because I’m deep in thought and maintain a lot of guilt and because I’m so used to blaming myself that I’m at fault for my wife’s passing, my therapist and I have discussed this and I understand I have no control over what happens especially when it cane down to her health. Bodies get cancer, that’s the most of it. But the irrational part of me still tries to take responsibility even on some sort of ethereal level like karma where the way I’ve treated other people, even myself, has made my wife’s death materialize.

I’m already a piece of shit and I know this. I’m extremely envious that my nephew is a cancer survivor but he’s just a kid and I love him… but it comes back to that anger where I start to feel like my wife didn’t deserve to die and other people “just get lucky.” My nephew is also a reminder of the child me and my wife couldn’t have but always wanted, by the time we agreed it was too late and we decided to stop trying because we thought it unethical to raise a child without its mother. She also didn’t want to leave me with that pain. I’m alone now but I still see why we shouldn’t have had children. It was for the best.

I don’t know what I’ve done wrong, ideologically I’m fully aware of the world. I condemn Israel’s genocide, I condemn Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, I was very critical of Biden, we voted Kamala over trump, we used to go to protests together, we went to a few organizations and volunteered together… we did all these good things for the community but her life was still taken. I think maybe it lies deeper somewhere and I blame the way I’ve removed myself from everyone in my life when they didn’t deserve it. Like my family who aren’t on the same ideological framework as me I’ve pretty much avoided contact with them, so in a way I’m somewhat dead to them.

I’ll probably make a post about my resentment for my nephew sometime this week. My therapist said it’s good to post about my thoughts online and encouraged it because it’s all anonymous. Thanks for reading and sorry for rambling.

My wife, the most beautiful human in my life was taken away after enduring a painful struggle with cancer. She was only 32 when diagnosed and died at 34. I know it’s disgusting to think this way but sometimes I feel like I endured more pain than she did albeit a different kind of pain. I know it’s selfish but I’m alone now without my best friend. She was my everything in this life.

I would trade in everything to have her back for a day. I would trade in my ideological beliefs, my humanity, I would trade myself even if it meant spending just one more day with my partner. To feel her weight beside the bed knowing she’s there, her body functioning and all the processes we aren’t conscious of that make us alive.

I’m a bitter person. I have a disdain for people who are survivors, for people who “caught it early.” I get so enraged at the thought of it. I find myself watching last chemo trial videos and the bell they ring echos throughout my spirit and I tremble with immense anger. Why couldn’t my wife be one of the lucky ones? I ask myself. I should have done more for her health and I should have pushed her harder into getting the right care, I should’ve cared for her health it was my duty to protect her, to protect the most precious thing in my life. Instead of just allowed her to waste away. We would eat unhealthily together and even though we’re both active and physically fit, well she was, was because she’s dead now, she was actively fit and cared for her health, she would still like a donut or a sweet every now and then.

I often think in the cliche “what was the straw that broke the camels back?” Was it the time I burned the rice? Was it the nonstick pan I scratched because I was too lazy to use a wooden ladle? Was it the deodorant I used? Maybe it was the frozen food I texted her on those days I wanted to cheer her up that I was at a store ready to bring home one of her favorite treats.

“Cancer survivors” fuck, even those words bother me. I’m sorry for saying it like this, I’m just so disturbed with the loss of my wife. I hate the celebs with access to the best healthcare getting all the tests that gives them to time to diagnose and treat with the best doctors and healthcare plans, the best recovery programs all whilst eating the best foods. It enrages me to no end.

I fucking miss her. I still smell her around the house sometimes as if she was present just moments ago. I delude myself that “she’s just gone out” and she’ll be back. I call out to her without even thinking sometimes. I can’t even buy the treats we had together because, I just can’t.

I want my human back.