My local brothel serves eggs bonerdicked for breakfast on Sundays before church and I've been requesting corn for months now but they never put it on the menu, it's distressing

Ads are the best part of life, I can't wait until I can get a chip installed into my brain so I can get the ultimate targeted ads.

Wrong Island, you wanted pepstein Island owned by the original Pepsi recipe creator Geoff Pepstein

Don't forget the classic "I got it on on Epstein's Island and all I got was this shitty presidency and my victims will probably never face justice because I'm such an old piece of shit but everyone also hopes that my cult followers will pull a Jonestown when I'm gone so they can follow me to the promised land and we can eat unlimited hamburgers and diet Coke but because I went to hell all I get to eat are tacos Al pastor made by a guy who's never heard of Mexico while a bird named Gerry feeds another bird named Gerry some pie made out of my eyeballs"

I've got electric lights in my house too but you don't see me giving them to plants do you?

Guess I'll never get into Jay's bone zone. Love you Doug.

If you dump it on your garden it'll make your vegetables salty so that when you eat them you don't have to add seasoning. The more salt you put the better the plants will do. My grandpa Ahmed used to tell me about that trick when I was a kid and his yard was the most wonderful desert.

My name used to be Rachel but they made it illegal in my country after the Friends finale so I had to change it to Dave. It doesn't really suit me but it's nice whenever I introduce myself people are like "wow. Dave, that's such a unique name". I've only ever met one other Dave in my life and he was a total loser like me so we hit it off pretty well and got married 6 days ago at a Asian grocery store in The Dominican Republic.

I hope I meet another Dave one day so I can marry him too. I've considered changing my name back to Rachel since it doesn't seem to be illegal anymore but you know that name just doesn't suit me as well as Dave.

Every year on Valentine's Day my neighbor's husband has been asking to borrow some bike chain lubricant, I know he uses it as lube to masturbate but I don't mind because everyone needs a little love on Valentine's Day.

This all changed 2 Valentine's days ago when he started asking for treadmill lubricant and I told him I don't have a treadmill but he insisted I give him treadmill lubricant, he held a machete to my throat and told me to drive to the nearest gym and break into the maintenance closet to get some of that sweet sweet treadmill lube. Well I refused and he killed me, I spent 4 days getting my head sewn back on by an army vet that happened to be at the gym so I was very thankful.

Since then, every Valentine's Day I squirt a little bit of treadmill lubricant on my neck scars in his honour.

My nephews mom sent me one of these on Facebook once and I absolutely lost it because it was the same day that my coworker invited us all for a game of "five beers of defiance" but when we got there she roped us into a game of Russian roulette, except instead of a gun it was a beaker of piss.

She said some guy named Tom was kind enough to provide it and assured us that it was not in fact Tom from MySpace but rather a completely different person named Tom(who knew it was such a common name?).

Anyway we're all stuck there and the next bus doesn't come for 3 and a half more hours so we decide we'll play. Well this coworker failed to tell everyone that she has this disgusting pet turtle who likes to lick the laminate flooring in her living room so everyone's all pretty disgusted at this point and not really feeling the game of piss beaker roulette. We all wish her a Merry Christmas and a happy birthday and go wait out in the rain for the bus. Longest 3 and a half hours of my life and when the bus finally arrived the driver's mom who was sitting in the passenger seat gave us shit for being soaking wet.

You know I used to think ai was pretty cool because I read a lot of sci-fi and in most sci-fi ai is a very useful tool but now that I've been living in reality for a good 2 years I've noticed that maybe this ai just isn't very nice. It's like that time I meet weird ai Yankovic and thought it was the real Weird Al but all he did was regurgitate edgy talking points and send me videos of giant boobed women dancing.

Needless to say, Bob Barker was pretty cool.

If you're uncircumcised you can try a variation of this where you put peanut butter on your knob and then jam on your shaft then when you pull your foreskin over it you've got yourself a pb&j eggroll. If you're circumcised then I'd suggest some foreskin regeneration therapy so you can try making pb&j shlongrolls in a few years. No one should miss out.