Up until right now, I always thought Coachella was just the name of the festival, not a place - sort of like Burning Man.

I've never been more confused by a headline in my life.

They also usually use some weasel words like "up to." That way, if it doesn't last the full 72 hours (which it won't), they can claim that they stated "72 hours MAXIMUM" rather than just "72 hours." It's basically shifts the statement from "lasts three days" to "definitely won't last four days."

I let out a long sigh.

This has to be a joke. Something they tell the new guys to jerk them around. "Collect taxes from cryptids" my ass, this is straight up workplace hazing. They even sent Jim along to keep me company - he's probably going to film this for the office christmas party or something. Well... I guess I may as well play along. "So, how am I supposed to contact Bigfoot? Just shout into the woods?"

"Yes, actually. This is where we've found him the past few years, so he's probably still living here. And he prefers 'Mister Squatch.'" Jim's advice doesn't make this feel any less like a prank.

"Mister Squatch? You have to be kidding me... EXCUSE ME? MISTER SQUATCH?" I bellow, "WE'VE BEEN SENT TO CONTACT YOU ON BEHALF OF THE IRS!" I can't believe I'm out here making a complete fool of myself.

And then it happens.

A rustle in the bushes, followed by snapping twigs and shaking branches moving fast through the underbrush. Jim bends down and opens his briefcase - why? Why did he even bring a briefcase to the middle of the woods? Suddenly, the movement in the bushes stops as it reaches a clearing, and I see something massive race towards the trees on the far side. Suddenly, it stumbles, tripping and tumbling as it falls, wrapped in a net.

A net? Where did a net come from in the middle of the woods? And then I see Jim's empty briefcase, and the empty net gun in his hand. Laying in the middle of the clearing is the Bigfoot, and now I have to treat this like it's normal and actually collect his taxes. Before I can even react, though, Jim is starting to untangle Bigfoot. "Look, Mister Squatch, I keep telling you, if you just pay your taxes, we won't have to keep hunting you down like this. You know the drill, pay up or we'll start telling the tabloids about where you live. You remember how annoying that was last time, right?"

"Yeah..." Bigfoot talks!? I'm not even sure if I'm at work right now, or if the CIA guys in the next office over slipped LSD into our coffee again. "I still keep it in the cave by the creek, just take what I owe you and leave me alone."

"Glad we could settle this easily." Jim cuts him free, and turns to me. "Let's go get the money. We've got a lot of ground to cover... Our next stop is in West Virginia. Say, how do you feel about bridges?"

I feel like I need a new job.

That makes a lot of sense, actually. I also saw "fully electric" and immediately thought of electric/hybrid/ICE cars, and my brain went straight to "hold up, did I miss the fully functional diesel-powered humanoid robot?"

They're so close, yet so far away - when the Gregorian calendar replaced the Julian calendar, they actually did move the start of the year from April 1 (right after the spring equinox) to January 1.

...Everything else they said was about as wrong as it could be, though.

I don't want to be a downer, but... The rats probably aren't high if they're just eating weed. Buckle up, y'all, time for a stoner science lesson:

THC is present in cannabis in two main forms: THCA and Delta-9 THC. Throwing around those delta numbers can seem scary given all of the unregulated Delta-8 in illegal states, but it's really not. THCA breaks down into Delta-9 THC naturally with time and heat, through a process called decarboxylization... Which is great, because THCA isn't psychoactive, while Delta-9 THC is. Because of this, smoking a joint or eating a properly made edible will get you high, but eating an entire ounce is just having a terrible salad.

Believe it or not, that's actually what the complimentary branded matchbooks that smoke shops and strip clubs used to give away were meant to be!

They weren't an ad directed at you, though - they were an ad directed at your friends. You'd go hang out somewhere, set your cigarettes and matches down, and people would see the logo.

It really bugs me when people do stuff like that... I grew up in VT, where laws are lax, tons of people have guns, and nothing ever happens. Responsibly handled and in the hands of a stable person, guns can be pretty safe - but, if you remove either one of those things, they're incredibly dangerous.

In light of that, I wouldn't mind if access were restricted somewhat. I'm totally fine with my neighbor having a rifle to kill varmints on their property, but way less fine with folks like my paranoid uncle having a safe full of assault rifles and thousands of rounds of ammo in a densely populated suburb.

it's like building stuff with Legos.

I got Minecraft when it was still in beta, for exactly that reason. I was in college, I had some free time, and I liked messing around with the demo - it reminded me of all of the fun I had playing with Legos as a kid. I think it cost me maybe $15?

Now, a decade later, I still play it fairly often, and given all of the content that's come out since then, it might be the most worthwhile $15 I've ever spent.

So wait... I might be reading this wrong, but it sounds like they took in the THC (detectable levels in all tissues sampled), but didn't really process or absorb it (minimal nociceptive effects). Did they just infuse a lobster!?

(Edit: fixed a word)

I feel like some of that comes down to... Well, us, the adults. For some ungodly reason, we've been calling it things like "a love story" and "a tragedy," and now people just don't know what to expect.

We've also somewhat sanitized it. The pop-culture focus on it tends to be the lengths they go to in order to be together, or the families coming together at the end; but we tend to ignore that the couple is just trying to be together to bone, it's full of dick jokes, and at the end they basically get cockblocked so hard that they die.

Actually, now that I think of it, Kenneth Branaugh is great and all, but I'd love to see a Seth Rogen adaptation of this one.

"Okay, we managed to meet all of the requested specs for your superheavy cargo aircraft. Did you want to come down to the airfield to see it today?"

"No, no. I'll just swing by the hangar tomorrow."

"Yeah... The hangar... Um, tomorrow's fine, yeah, we'll definitely have it in the hangar for you." (Turns around) "JIMMY, GET THE TORCH, IT NEEDS TO GO INSIDE!"