Avoidant attachment definitely tracks with not wanting to form relationships with others. There’s a fair amount of good info online that you could dig into and see if it resonates. This Reddit reply has 3 different quizzes to choose from.

I agree with the other reply that said it sounds like dissociation and/or depersonalization. Are those terms a therapist has discussed with you at all? Do you have a past history of trauma? (Obviously no pressure to disclose details, but a lot of what you are describing could be consistent with PTSD and/or C-PTSD, which have a lot of symptom overlap with ADHD, autism, and borderline personality disorder aka emotionally unstable personality disorder.)

IMO, talk therapy can be kind of useless for more complex mental illnesses. I feel like if you’ve been going for years and aren’t noticing improvement, that’s a sign that you might want to consider a different modality. I have been doing EMDR with somewhat mixed results but overall I’d recommend giving it a try. Some other potential modalities to try include somatic experiencing therapy and hypnotherapy. If you go on Psychology Today’s website, you can search for therapists by modalities offered and insurance accepted. It might be worth it to go outside the box a bit since you’ve tried quite a bit and are still really suffering.

Sorry you’re going through this. Mental illness sucks and we live in a sick society that makes it hard to heal or find happiness. I hope you are able to get some answers and/or find treatment that helps. 🩷

It could just be straight up depression but severe insecure attachment could be a contributing factor. Are you familiar with attachment theory? Do you know your attachment style? Can I ask which modalities of therapy you have tried?

I honestly couldn’t be more thrilled that velour tracksuits are back.

When will Xi Jinping liberate us from our oppressors?!