I sometimes think it would be kinda nice to have a bigger penis, but then I remember things like this and think, nah, average is good.

Ah, the classic medieval Katzenwerfer.

So, will native Philidephians be more upset that someone put cheese steak on a cheesecake, or that you called it a 'Philly' when it is adulterated with peppers and missing one of the two ~~acceptable~~ [traditional] cheeses (~~American~~ [Provolone] or whizz)? Place your bets and hopefully a real Philadelphian can let us know which is more upsetting. I'm betting on the latter, but not heavily.

I wouldn't ever order it off of a menu, but if it was served at a party, I would absolutely try a small slice.

It's not implausible. Being a famous wit and wacky character can get someone a lot of latitude. I'm reminded of the Emporer of the United States, a locally famous weirdo who lived in San Francisco way back. Among his other notable hijinks, he was unemployed, yet never went hungry because he printed his own alternate currency (which he insisted was the only valid currency). Many of the local shops and restaurants just accepted it like official money even though it was worthless to anyone else, because everyone enjoyed his antics so much.

Diogenes: "I feel the same way, bro. I would want to be me too."

Most people I've encountered who are into astrology ignore the planetary signs and alignments completely. Weirdly this annoys me far more than just believing in it. Like, if you're going to put your faith in a fantasy system and make actual life decisions around it, at least take the actual details of the fantasy seriously. How dare you oversimplify my personality to just my solar birth sign, and not account for my lunar and planetary signs as well. Was Mercury in fucking retrograde when I was born? What House were they in? Were any planets in alignment or opposition? Because details matter, and according to your stupid system those are important details. If you're going to believe in bullshit, the least you could do is actually commit to it. Come on single-sign-astrology people, get your shit together and stop half-assing it. Or, even better, you could just forget the whole thing because it's all nonsense.

My favorite take on the always tells lies/always tells truths puzzle is that the explanation itself was also a lie and both guards will say whatever they think is funniest because guarding is boring work.

Boing: Fuck it! We'll do it live!

I don't think anyone's upset she lived, but there have been a lot of cases where officer's inability to aim have added a lot of casualties from hitting random people in their field of fire.

At that point you should just get a tankless and never have your shower cry sessions interrupted by cold water again.

If I take the post title literally, 3 or 1 look the most qualified to mystically bestow a sword on a rightful king. However, if the title is the euphemism I assume it is, then 5 would be my first pick.