Slackware is the solution then clearly.

I haven't used it myself, and admittedly am entirely unfamiliar, but a buddy put popos on something recently and was talking about how smooth and simple it was. Might be worth a gander.

What happens to Gus Fring on Breaking Bad. There had been all sorts of fake leaks and photoshops going around 4chan and Digg and Reddit and I sent one to my buddy, turns out it was the only real one. Whoops.