Only progress I made is switching to iOS from Android

"progress"

Setting number to -1 might cause you to wait a while.

System76, Tuxedo, Juno come to mind. Even Dell has a Linux range I think.

You don't need to troubleshoot Linux any more than Windows these days. Especially if you get your machine from a Linux-friendly supplier.

I am exponentially more experienced at swimming than the average person.

I'm actually a pretty average swimmer, so in this case the exponent is zero.

Mind you, regarding the sun being green, it's worth noting this observation from https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wien%27s_displacement_law

The effective temperature of the Sun is 5778 Kelvin. Using Wien's law, one finds a peak emission per nanometer (of wavelength) at a wavelength of about 500 nm, in the green portion of the spectrum near the peak sensitivity of the human eye.