cross-posted from: https://linux.community/post/3420358

as said previously I'm a nurse, which means the overwhelming majority of employees are women. Gossiping, being unauthentic, cattiness and passive aggressiveness is a daily occurrence.

My current unit: there are 2 men that seem to be completely stoic (I don't know what word would describe them better): they ignore drama and jabs, even if directed at them, they are punctual with their pauses, I mean really, 30 minutes and that's it, and can ignore when other coworkers lazy around, even if it means they have to be the ones doing most of the work, extra work they don't receive any extra money or recognition for.

I am writing in awe, because as much as I'd like to be this thick skinned, I am not. The feeling of being treated unfairly rubs me the wrong way really fast. My strategy so far has been to lazy around so much as my direct coworkers, even if they're part of an established group at the ward I don't belong to. They're the ones supposed to be showing me around and teach me. If they don't work, why should I?

I believe this is a trait of mine, something nearly impossible to change, it would make more sense to change the setting than trying to change me, to change jobs. I don't know how to play this game where I am, in a workplace where most employees are women.

But my question remains to all of you who are this thick skinned: how? I don't understand it. Don't you find it tiring? Doesn't it make you feel like shit when you go back home? Don't you feel taken advantage of?

as said previously I'm a nurse, which means the overwhelming majority of employees are women. Gossiping, being unauthentic, cattiness and passive aggressiveness is a daily occurrence.

My current unit: there are 2 men that seem to be completely stoic (I don't know what word would describe them better): they ignore drama and jabs, even if directed at them, they are punctual with their pauses, I mean really, 30 minutes and that's it, and can ignore when other coworkers lazy around, even if it means they have to be the ones doing most of the work, extra work they don't receive any extra money or recognition for.

I am writing in awe, because as much as I'd like to be this thick skinned, I am not. The feeling of being treated unfairly rubs me the wrong way really fast. My strategy so far has been to lazy around so much as my direct coworkers, even if they're part of an established group at the ward I don't belong to. They're the ones supposed to be showing me around and teach me. If they don't work, why should I?

I believe this is a trait of mine, something nearly impossible to change, it would make more sense to change the setting than trying to change me, to change jobs. I don't know how to play this game where I am, in a workplace where most employees are women.

But my question remains to all of you who are this thick skinned: how? I don't understand it. Don't you find it tiring? Doesn't it make you feel like shit when you go back home? Don't you feel taken advantage of?

cross-posted from: https://linux.community/post/3415577

context: I'm a nurse with several years of job experience in several units.

I've always seen that in each unit there is a group who somehow are the 'alphas' in the unit and can make your life hell if you cross any of them, the kind of people a careerist would give attention and flatter if he wanted to climb the job ladder. I'm calling them alphas not because they're the best academically, but the best organized with the best contacts, the ones who due to these contacts get to decide who gets promoted (friends) or ignored. And management trusts them because they keep shit working.

Where I am now this on practice means they get to enjoy a one hour pause while I do a 30 minute one.

I guess some of you would tell me now to pick my battles, not to be jealous, to do my job and go home and accept I'm employed... but it's not a nice feeling. This has happened in every workplace I've been. People are tribal, sadly. This is also why I'm leaving the bedside, but people are tribal everywhere, so I'm sure I'm gonna find this everywhere I go, right?

It's sad if I want to escape this I have to feed attention to people, to fake being something else, or have you found a better way?

As said in other posts, I'm an introverted so this would be another reason to find a job where I work alone?

context: I'm a nurse with several years of job experience in several units.

I've always seen that in each unit there is a group who somehow are the 'alphas' in the unit and can make your life hell if you cross any of them, the kind of people a careerist would give attention and flatter if he wanted to climb the job ladder. I'm calling them alphas not because they're the best academically, but the best organized with the best contacts, the ones who due to these contacts get to decide who gets promoted (friends) or ignored. And management trusts them because they keep shit working.

Where I am now this on practice means they get to enjoy a one hour pause while I do a 30 minute one.

I guess some of you would tell me now to pick my battles, not to be jealous, to do my job and go home and accept I'm employed... but it's not a nice feeling. This has happened in every workplace I've been. People are tribal, sadly. This is also why I'm leaving the bedside, but people are tribal everywhere, so I'm sure I'm gonna find this everywhere I go, right?

It's sad if I want to escape this I have to feed attention to people, to fake being something else, or have you found a better way?

As said in other posts, I'm an introverted so this would be another reason to find a job where I work alone?

cross-posted from: https://linux.community/post/3389091

or to keep the peace, maybe you think it's not a big deal but your partner, friend, coworker, parent feels otherwise.

Do you apologize just to validate him?

I always though if I don't feel bad about it, fuck it, I'm not apologizing, deal with it. It's not my fault you're so thin skinned. Grow up.

Now I'm thinking I should be more empathetic and apologize, just to make the aggravated person feel validated, even though I don't feel bad (or that bad).

This gets more complicated because many times coworkers feel offended because I don't share my personal life with them or I'm so concentrated on my job that I don't notice them. Do I apologize for not noticing them?

or to keep the peace, maybe you think it's not a big deal but your partner, friend, coworker, parent feels otherwise.

Do you apologize just to validate him?

I always though if I don't feel bad about it, fuck it, I'm not apologizing, deal with it. It's not my fault you're so thin skinned. Grow up.

Now I'm thinking I should be more empathetic and apologize, just to make the aggravated person feel validated, even though I don't feel bad (or that bad).

This gets more complicated because many times coworkers feel offended because I don't share my personal life with them or I'm so concentrated on my job that I don't notice them. Do I apologize for not noticing them?

cross-posted from: https://linux.community/post/3368394

and how do you deflect prying questions about you and limit these rituals to 2 minutes instead of wasting 30 minutes?

asking as somebody who, if not on the spectrum, is socially awkward, likes solitude, boundaries and to be left alone (to do the job)

I still believe none of your answers is going to help me because neurotypical solutions don't work for me but I have nothing to lose with this question.

and how do you deflect prying questions about you and limit these rituals to 2 minutes instead of wasting 30 minutes?

asking as somebody who, if not on the spectrum, is socially awkward, likes solitude, boundaries and to be left alone (to do the job)

I still believe none of your answers is going to help me because neurotypical solutions don't work for me but I have nothing to lose with this question.

cross-posted from: https://linux.community/post/3355635

long post

I'm reading "A Field Guide to Earthlings, An autistic Asperger view of neurotypical behavior" by Ian Ford, one of the final patterns: Why you will generally lose.

If you scroll back my history you'll find some posts where most of you believe I am on the spectrum.

I haven’t been diagnosed: Where I am it is extremely difficult to find a decent psychiatrist to do a test that would be several days long, are several miles away and have long waiting lists, but I do believe am on the spectrum. It's like the book I'm reading describes me. I really don't get neurotypicals and why won't they leave me alone, specially when I do leave them alone.

Back to the book: "Even if we could give up our strengths and go to the basest level of NTs in some areas (for example, abandoning our love of accuracy), that would still not enable us to adopt their strengths, such as sensory integration, and we probably would not be able to memorize their constantly-changing culture. So in that sense it is hopeless."

This is me. I love accuracy and I find NTs illogical, emotional and sometimes backstabbing, lacking authenticity. I like authenticity. It's also very tiring having to constantly guess what the person I talk to is going to understand of my message: the message itself or some odd interpretation of it that somehow attacks his self esteem. So tiring.

I've been accused behind my back of being manipulative, uncaring, rude, and also a sociopath. Once this impression is given, it is impossible to make people change their minds, including management. I usually don't fight it because, really, fighting gossip? that's sticking to 5 year old level politics and what's the point? The book I mentioned says enemies who don't fight will lose, but it's so tiring fighting every stupid thing (most of?) my coworkers think I am.

I don't know.

Then there is how most society constructs us: as people who WILLINGLY decide to want to be left alone and act antisocial, who feel above everyone else who NEED to be either ignored or must be molded to fit in, even if that's something they don't want, because that's what's good for them, just because that’s the extroverted neurotypical norm. They don't see introversion and solitude as self caring, but as depression, being an ass and being antisocial.

I'm living exactly this at the workplace and I hate it: I'm seen as robotic for doing exactly the same thing others do, but because they talk about inane stuff with management, they are automatically better than me. They never see me as solution oriented, eager to learn or concentrated on doing the task at hand. I'm always the odd one that lacks potential.

"If it is a setting where people are trying to be live up to high moral standards, you might just be the target of rumors; in groups with lower standards, the eviction or shunning could be more open and forceful. In either case, you lose."

yup. I always lose.

If you're a neurotypical and now you suggest this is my fault, I'm overreacting, it's not so difficult to do small talk, if I can YOU must can, and I have to fake being an extroverted ass, get bent. Would you change your whole personality just because society dictates you must? Could you live with yourself?

But, if conforming to a neurotypical extroverted model is out of the question, how do I live the rest of my life?

I don't mean the question as a financial one: I'm a RN quitting bedside who applied and got a job moving oxygen dependent patients that require monitoring between wards, so at least I'm not unemployed, don't have to deal with entitled patients complaining about cold coffee, not good looking cushions, lack of tv, what’s good to have sex with women… I've been promised uninterrupted 30 minute pauses and no night shifts. Hope it’s not a case of the grass is greener...

It's about what to think about society, because I always expected people to mind their business and leave me alone (because I leave them alone, I don't bother them), I never expected them to be this hostile.

My logical step now would be to become a misanthrope, but I don't know if that would be good or bad. It's not like I have a high opinion of mankind anyways.

long post

I'm reading "A Field Guide to Earthlings, An autistic Asperger view of neurotypical behavior" by Ian Ford, one of the final patterns: Why you will generally lose.

If you scroll back my history you'll find some posts where most of you believe I am on the spectrum.

I haven’t been diagnosed: Where I am it is extremely difficult to find a decent psychiatrist to do a test that would be several days long, are several miles away and have long waiting lists, but I do believe am on the spectrum. It's like the book I'm reading describes me. I really don't get neurotypicals and why won't they leave me alone, specially when I do leave them alone.

Back to the book: "Even if we could give up our strengths and go to the basest level of NTs in some areas (for example, abandoning our love of accuracy), that would still not enable us to adopt their strengths, such as sensory integration, and we probably would not be able to memorize their constantly-changing culture. So in that sense it is hopeless."

This is me. I love accuracy and I find NTs illogical, emotional and sometimes backstabbing, lacking authenticity. I like authenticity. It's also very tiring having to constantly guess what the person I talk to is going to understand of my message: the message itself or some odd interpretation of it that somehow attacks his self esteem. So tiring.

I've been accused behind my back of being manipulative, uncaring, rude, and also a sociopath. Once this impression is given, it is impossible to make people change their minds, including management. I usually don't fight it because, really, fighting gossip? that's sticking to 5 year old level politics and what's the point? The book I mentioned says enemies who don't fight will lose, but it's so tiring fighting every stupid thing (most of?) my coworkers think I am.

I don't know.

Then there is how most society constructs us: as people who WILLINGLY decide to want to be left alone and act antisocial, who feel above everyone else who NEED to be either ignored or must be molded to fit in, even if that's something they don't want, because that's what's good for them, just because that’s the extroverted neurotypical norm. They don't see introversion and solitude as self caring, but as depression, being an ass and being antisocial.

I'm living exactly this at the workplace and I hate it: I'm seen as robotic for doing exactly the same thing others do, but because they talk about inane stuff with management, they are automatically better than me. They never see me as solution oriented, eager to learn or concentrated on doing the task at hand. I'm always the odd one that lacks potential.

"If it is a setting where people are trying to be live up to high moral standards, you might just be the target of rumors; in groups with lower standards, the eviction or shunning could be more open and forceful. In either case, you lose."

yup. I always lose.

If you're a neurotypical and now you suggest this is my fault, I'm overreacting, it's not so difficult to do small talk, if I can YOU must can, and I have to fake being an extroverted ass, get bent. Would you change your whole personality just because society dictates you must? Could you live with yourself?

But, if conforming to a neurotypical extroverted model is out of the question, how do I live the rest of my life?

I don't mean the question as a financial one: I'm a RN quitting bedside who applied and got a job moving oxygen dependent patients that require monitoring between wards, so at least I'm not unemployed, don't have to deal with entitled patients complaining about cold coffee, not good looking cushions, lack of tv, what’s good to have sex with women… I've been promised uninterrupted 30 minute pauses and no night shifts. Hope it’s not a case of the grass is greener...

It's about what to think about society, because I always expected people to mind their business and leave me alone (because I leave them alone, I don't bother them), I never expected them to be this hostile.

My logical step now would be to become a misanthrope, but I don't know if that would be good or bad. It's not like I have a high opinion of mankind anyways.

cross-posted from: https://linux.community/post/3347155

and what would be the point of lying?

I applied to 2 positions and got one. On both counts I shadowed for a day and was sincere.

Job 1 offered me a position I took.

Why I think the second job rejected me: I was assigned to 2 coworkers who started prying inquisitively about my job experience and expectations. I told them I don't want to go back home with back or leg pain or feeling broken, I don't mind doing my pause after 7 hours of working and not 4 but I actually NEED my pause, one every day, I also told them I don't live to work but the other way round (this is nursing).

Apparently they told management all this because during my interview with the c suite they mentioned what other coworkers think about me.

I still believe if you need a job, please do lie because you need the money. I was sincere this time because a union member told me to clearly state what you want in the beginning, so there are no uncomfortable situations afterwards.

I'm also a terrible actor, so maybe this was for the better?

This makes me value authenticity even more because one of those suites, a woman, used the strategy of faking being close to you (smiles, modulating her voice...) so you believe she actually cares about you so you let your guard down.

even though I got the other job it still stings because I was rejected for being authentic. Am I wrong?

So, in the future, do I keep being authentic or do I feed management BS? Feeding them BS always worked in the past.

and what would be the point of lying?

I applied to 2 positions and got one. On both counts I shadowed for a day and was sincere.

Job 1 offered me a position I took.

Why I think the second job rejected me: I was assigned to 2 coworkers who started prying inquisitively about my job experience and expectations. I told them I don't want to go back home with back or leg pain or feeling broken, I don't mind doing my pause after 7 hours of working and not 4 but I actually NEED my pause, one every day, I also told them I don't live to work but the other way round (this is nursing).

Apparently they told management all this because during my interview with the c suite they mentioned what other coworkers think about me.

I still believe if you need a job, please do lie because you need the money. I was sincere this time because a union member told me to clearly state what you want in the beginning, so there are no uncomfortable situations afterwards.

I'm also a terrible actor, so maybe this was for the better?

This makes me value authenticity even more because one of those suites, a woman, used the strategy of faking being close to you (smiles, modulating her voice...) so you believe she actually cares about you so you let your guard down.

even though I got the other job it still stings because I was rejected for being authentic. Am I wrong?

So, in the future, do I keep being authentic or do I feed management BS? Feeding them BS always worked in the past.