Loving someone while not condoning their actions? (lemmy.world)

submitted 3 months ago by fire_water@lemmy.world to c/asklemmy@lemmy.world

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Straightforward: my 29-year-old son is dating a 16-year-old girl he met at a jazz festival this summer. Openly. He had a same age long-term girlfriend until last year, when they broke up amicably. We really loved her, she was basically our daughter-in-law and we’re still in touch. His current girlfriend’s parents know about their relationship & are cool with it. For the record: it’s also legal in our country. We don’t think it’s right though, he’s a grown ass man while she’s a high schooler. He’s also very successful professionally, handsome, takes good care of himself, has a good personality, etc. so it’s not like he’s lacking options. He just says he likes her - that’s his why. He’s not a bad person, I know that, but still this whole situation has changed our perception of him quite a bit. We’re having a rough time to say the least.

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[-] 211@sopuli.xyz 0 points 3 months ago

The first thing is the younger party being protected and allowed to develop, which it sounds like she is.

For me the rough time comes from realizing that either your son is dating her for her age (legal I guess, but ick), or he has so much in common with a 16-year-old it's enough to carry a relationship, which... Dude, what did you do in those 13 years to not grow as a person, ick. I can definitely understand why it would change your perception.

Then again, there isn't really anything you can do about it, except express your disapproval every now and then, but make is easy for either party to end the relationship without an "I told you so". Of all the actions for you to not condone, this is pretty mild. He could have joined a cult, committed crime, or "date" a 12-year-old.

[-] tomi000@lemmy.world -2 points 3 months ago

Why can people of different ages not have compatible personalities? Youre saying it like a fact but have you actually thought about it?

[-] 211@sopuli.xyz 2 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

I'm 40+ and would still have major reservations about dating someone 13 years younger. "Compatible personalities" makes for friends across age groups, and yes, even that you are more likely to find with a 3- rather than 13-year age gap. Being a long-term couple takes more.

[-] tomi000@lemmy.world 2 points 3 months ago

Yes, Im not saying it is the only thing needed in a relationship, but I dont understand how age difference would make a relationship impossible. With that kind of reasoning, relationships across different cultures would be way more difficult than a simple age gap.

[-] dfyx@lemmy.helios42.de -2 points 3 months ago

Dude, what did you do in those 13 years to not grow as a person, ick. I can definitely understand why it would change your perception.

And comments like yours are the exact reason why he probably feels like he must protect his inner child against all odds. From what OP tells us, he has his professional life under control, so let him spend his free time however he wants. See my other comment for details.

[-] 211@sopuli.xyz -1 points 3 months ago

So you think 16 is a child?

[-] dfyx@lemmy.helios42.de 2 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

Never said that, never meant that.

When I said "inner child" I meant his own capability of leaving his adult responsibilities behind for a while in favor of doing things that society as a whole deems childish. Indulging in certain hobbies, acting a certain way. I can't find the right English word right now. In German we might call it being "unbeschwert", so maybe "unburdened".

I was specifically replying to the passage that he should have spent those 13 years in age difference growing as a person to an extent that he shouldn't have much in common with a 16-year old anymore. And to that I ask: why? Must every adult be a joyless, mindless worker drone who can't enjoy the things they enjoyed when they were 16? I'm happy to discuss if the relationship OP described might be problematic because of a power dynamic and that's been done to death in this thread. But saying he isn't allowed to feel connected to someone younger than him based on shared interests or a need to escape his adult responsibilities for a while feels bitter and judgemental.

None of this has anything to do with me labeling anyone as an actual child.

Edit: Maybe a picture says more than a thousand words so let me link to my favorite XKCD: https://xkcd.com/150/

this post was submitted on 03 Dec 2024

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