First, I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that. I know how hard it feels to have your life be unenjoyable and bleak.

I tried meds and the did fuck all other than making me dizzy.

I eventually hit a sort of rock bottom and also almost simultaneously found a therapist and therapy situation that worked for me. Luckily enough it was at my university’s mental health center. CBT methodology worked really well and I still use some of the stuff I learned now, more than 10 years later. If I were to go back to therapy I’d probably look for someone who did DBT. Lots of good evidence it works well for depression.