This is my silly boy Safiiri. He had a very difficult life before I adopteded him. He comes from a hoarder situation involving a house with over 200 neglected cats, underfed, malnourished, and sick. When I adopted him the shelter told me he's not a "normal cat" but I promised them I'd cherish him anyway.
So that was about three years ago and he still hasn't warmed up to me. In that time he's had to get surgeries, go on antibiotics, change his diet several times. He had to get a full teeth extraction because of gum disease. I've done so much to give him a comfy happy life despite his health problems because I really do think he deserves a better life than he had.
But he's just so terrified of me. If I come near him he starts flinching as if I'm going to hit him. He hisses, but never attacks me. He's just afraid. He spent a full year hiding in my closet after he was first adopted. On rare occasions he'll allow me to sit near him and I'll pet him super gently, but he seems conflicted. He'll purr, but also flinch in terror, then eventually bolt away.
He's not scared all the time though. If I'm not paying him any attention he's clearly a normal, happy cat and I'm really glad for that. He's overcome his worst health issues and will play with the other cat, with his toys, or he'll lounge around on his bed. Don't get it twisted, he's a very chill happy cat so long as I don't get near him. But I just don't understand.
Does anyone have any advice? :(
It might not be a thing that will ever change. It won't be that you didn't do a great job being a cat parent though.
You could try mood altering medications. Probably check with a vet to see what your options are. (Maybe there's some decent research on how CBD affects cats, something that won't require a prescription and might be easier to get something that can be mixed into food or water).
Anectdote: Spouse brought home a kitten (like barely weaned) that was freaking out at a farmer's market in a local big city. We had her for something like twelve years. She was standoffish around us for something like eight years then suddenly turned into a cuddle buddy. Never was okay with anybody but us though. If there were strangers around she'd make herself scarce until they had left.