690
Incompetent Assassin Misses Largest Head On Planet
(thehardtimes.net)
A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.
Great Satire Writing:
The last I heard he actually died, though.
Yeah. I actually watched the video of him being shot and the statements about him being in "critical condition" were clearly just "we don't want to admit he's dead yet." Not a video for the faint of heart. The shot blew open his neck arteries, I've never seen a fountain of chunky salsa like that in a real-life video before. And he instantly went into the "fencing response" pose, which is also a terrible sign in its own right even without the blood fountain. There were medical professionals commenting over on Reddit that if he'd been shot like that while he was lying on an operating table with a team of surgeons standing around him ready to get to work he still wouldn't have made it.
That was what stood out to me the most. Just blood? Someone could poke a finger into that and mitigate the lethality by a ton. But the involuntary response to sudden pain is put your hands on it and guard it... Kirk's hands raised a bit, then kinda just flopped, which has me wondering if that bullet went in through the carotid and then blew his fucking spinal cord in half. Total loss of motor control.
...pretty sure that also means he shat and pissed himself on the way down.
This is the correct way to address Nazis.
the fencing response is the result of brain stem trauma, not pain.
That's what I'm getting at - the bullet hole causes a lot of pain, and he didn't react to that in a normal way. The way is arms lifted slightly and just kinda stopped screamed neurologic damage. Even if they had stopped the bleeding a millisecond after he was hit, he'd have still been fucked.