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NSFW: I am a trans girl who is drunk and high at the same time, AMA!
(lemmy.blahaj.zone)
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this post was submitted on 27 Aug 2023
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Not the OP, but if you are soliciting opinions...
For me it's the fact that nobody really believes us when we talk about our issues or even the things we personally experience. Even well meaning people, even friends, immediately assume that we are exaggerating or imagining things when we talk, or assume they know better about what is or is not harmful to us.
Like the obvious hateful transphobes are one thing. But getting that attitude from people one knows personally is tiring and more than a little scary.
This may not apply to you but I might be able to offer some perspective from the other side here. I've been very close with someone through their 3+ years transitioning. I often had to tell my friend that situation she is complaining about was not transphobic or say "ok so what?"
In the beginning she would receive lots of weird looks, rude comments and misgendering. These would crush her and when she thought she was making good progress these comments would drag her back to square one. I understand how traumatizing that must have been.
But as the transition got more underway and she passed better this was happening less and less but my friend still held those insecurities and kept seeing weird looks and finding "rude" comments in places where they didn't exist. This obviously didn't change how they felt but I think its important for them to understand that this was in their head and can be solved by them being more confident. I gave their examples leeway and only battled on situations where I was very confident but I'm sure there were times I dismissed legitimate complaints.
She's settled now and is living her life normally only rarely getting slapped with a transphobic comment and when that happens can take it in her stride.
I believe that yas girling every complaint is unhealthy and does not promote growth. The people around you need to disagree with you and ground you in reality sometimes. And sometimes trans people's complaint are exaggerated or imagined.
This part may be a hot take but I think even when a trans person did receive a mean comment it can be fine to dismiss their complaints. If they are years into transition and getting upset over someone being mean then they need to find a way to cope better because it's not healthy to let people you don't care about have that kind emotional power over you.
Thank you for proving my point.
Fun fact about the person you're responding to...
In another thread they said they don't wash their hands after using the bathroom, even after taking a shit. So that's the kind of person you're dealing with lmao.
Lovely...
no problem.
Just to be clear here.
Firstly, your previous comment was off the mark. While people misgendering you and being nasty to you is a part of being trans, that isn't all I was talking about.
Trans people today are facing systemic threats. The things I worry about aren't if someone is going to misgender me or be mean to me, but if I'm going to be able to maintain access to my healthcare, or if I'm going to be discriminated against in the workplace, or if I'm going to be harassed or maybe even assaulted if I go out dressed as I please. In other places in the world, families are being separated if the parent or child is transgender, and mainstream conservative politicians and influencers are calling for us to be forcibly detransitioned, or in some cases imprisoned or even killed because they consider us obscene, predatory, and a danger to women and children. It's not mean, it's genocidal. And it's not fringe either, in both the US and the UK transphobia is not just popular, it's policy.
If trans people only had to deal with getting misgendered now and then, I would be incredibly happy.
And your comment is an example of what I meant about people not really believing us. The default assumption a lot of cisgender people make is that the main problems transgender people face are about misgendering or pronouns or something, when the real problems are far more material, and far more dangerous. But even as I typed the above paragraph, I know there are people reading it who are going to think that I'm exaggerating. Even people who think that they are trans-supportive.
But then secondly, yeah. A trans person is telling you about what they go through, the transphobia they face, and you are explaining at them about why they are wrong about their own experiences. You haven't experienced what they have, and if you are cisgender, you likely aren't able to experience it. You say you understand the trauma. But you don't. I promise you, you do not.
I don't know what your friend was telling you. Maybe she was exaggerating, or imagining things. I don't know. But if I were a betting person? I would favour the odds that you were dismissing legitimate concerns, and invalidating your friend. Because that's what it is, nine times out of ten, in my experience.
If my comment was off the mark and my comment was not what you're talking about then it is not an example of people not believing you its an example of me thinking you were talking about something else.
You said "nobody really believes us when we talk about our issues or even the things we personally experience." if your friends don't believe you when you are saying that trans people are facing political issues like losing rights, healthcare, being discriminated against or even being assaulted then I would question how you think these people are trans supportive. These are all very obvious facts that every left leaning person should be aware of and you should be able to point to countless examples to back up your point. I might push back against the point of being assaulted for going out in public, I think thats statistically unlikely and the average person shouldnt be worried about that. But if your friends are leftists then they should be aware of the dangers women and especially trans women experience and I doubt they would push back on that. I dont think your friends are trans supportive they just dont hate trans people. Maybe they have never looked at the news.
"A trans person is telling you about what they go through, the transphobia they face, and you are explaining at them about why they are wrong about their own experiences. " Ok but they are actually wrong about the experience so do you think I should just go along with it and be like yas girl the world is against you all the people close to you hate you, random people on the streets are judging you and being transphobic behind your back. Thats fucking stupid and not helpful.
I swear im the only person on the internet who treats trans people like normal people and not porcelain people who require 100 layers of bubble wrap just to go outside. I just read your comment and then thought about the times my trans friends have told me things that I didnt believe. I couldn't imagine them saying x political legislation is being passed and then saying nah you are imagining that. I can imagine saying they are exaggerating the impact of political legislation depending on what it is.
There's a difference between alleviating someone's fears when they are overthinking an interaction, and dismissing someone's concerns as exaggeration or imaginings.
Maybe you are only doing the former. But your comment was wall-to-wall red flags.
And the fact that you thought I was just talking about people being nasty, suggested part of the problem I am referring to. I am glad at least you are aware of the systemic issues trans people face, most people are not.
Yeah. This right here is the exact thing I'm talking about.
Because I point out those policies, and I get told I'm exaggerating about their effects and impact. Or I point out the transphobic rhetoric of politicians, celebrities, and influencers, and I get told I'm exaggerating about their effects and impact.
And I know multiple trans women in my friend group in a major world city who have had assholes try and physically mess with them. It's not as rare as you perhaps want to believe. It's not up to you to decide what other people are concerned about. It's one thing to alleviate someone's fears by reassuring them that assault is not likely. But it's another thing entirely to dismiss their concerns as overblown.
You can sod right off with this condescension, yeah? Trans people put up with inordinate amounts of crap, just trying to get by day to day. We get harassed and accused of the most vile things, we get discriminated against in healthcare and employment, we're a political football and we see our lives being debated on the news on a weekly basis, we get kicked out or have to flee our homes.
We aren't porcelain. We aren't delicate. Quite the opposite.
But yeah sometimes when we're with people we think we can trust, and maybe experience a little compassion for a change. And when we think we have found a space where we can let our guard down a bit, we can get a bit touchy about defending that. But can you blame us?
you sound like you're gaslighting some transgirl
I love how you insert your anecdotal bullshit into this person’s life and then try and tell them that they are wrong.
You’re both right, by the way.
Did you mean to respond to someone else?
This is also common with just being a woman. Womens’ experiences and feelings in general aren’t valued or taken seriously.
Yup. Absolutely. I think most minoritised groups can relate to that experience.
That sounds terrible. I'm sorry you go through that. internet hugs