Bryan Johnson, 45, is shocking his, uhm, Johnson in hopes of never dying? Did I get that right?
Bryan Johnson, the 45-year-old man whose pursuit of eternal youth has driven him to swap blood with his 17-year-old son, is directing his attention below the belt. His belt, to be specific. Tomorrow he will start getting Alprostadil injected into his penis as a part of his “penis rejuvenation” journey. That’s right: Johnson is trying to rejuvenate his Johnson. Godspeed, I suppose.
According to the Mayo Clinic, Alprostadil is used to treat erectile dysfunction, Johnson says he’s using it to increase “ejaculation vol[ume]” and “max urination speed” as well. I’m sorry to have to inform you that this man is also getting his “penis plaque” checked, which is apparently scar tissue or something that could slow down the speed of things coming out of his dick. I suppose it makes sense that a man so occupied with the passage of time is concerned with urinating as quickly as possible. He’s got to get back to taking 61 pills a day and eating 70 pounds of vegetables a month. Looking that spooky is a full-time job!
Johnson shared his goal on Instagram to increase the length and hardness of his nighttime erections from 2 hours and 12 minutes to 3 hours and 30 minutes, the latter of which is the average noctural erection time of an 18-year-old. Also, for full transparency, I’m just taking Johnson’s word for that. I don’t quite have it in me to Google “18-year-old nocturnal erections” on my work (or personal) laptop.
Johnson’s penile rejuvenation therapy also involves sending shockwaves into his genitals. Medical professionals explained to Rolling Stone that these electro shockwaves “rejuvenate” the penis, similar to how weightlifting causes small tears in bodily tissue that then cause the body to regenerate new tissue.
Is this more information than you want to know about a man who looks like the spiritual lovechild of the Morpheus and Legolas? I apologize. It’s more than I want to know, too. But unfortunately I am sadistically fascinated with this rich man who’s desperately trying to avoid the natural aging process by injecting himself with supplements and literally shocking his penis.
I suppose it makes sense that Johnson has refocused his youthful obsession onto his own genitals, as that seems to be at the center of a lot of men’s passions.
I love how there's a dude out there hoping to improve his urination speed of all things. Where in the fuck is he in such a hurry to get to that he can't take a piss break? Just sit down and have a piss, mate, it's worth taking the time to relax a little.
Oh there are many many men out to improve their urination speed. The problem's just not the penis. Prostate swelling will make you stand at the urinal forever while it just dribbles out. It's a pretty standard old man problem.
Oh, I totally get that. Prostate swelling is not fun. The way this article is worded though, makes it seem a bit like he's just doing it to save some time in his day-to-day high intensity workflow. I found that incredibly hilarious.
Nah he want to start competitions.
" And the gold 🥇 goes for Mike with a time of 00:18.35621 ".
Try flomax
Will Flomax optimize my work week?
I did not know that.
Flex opportunity.
Time to take advantage of this and blast my piss like a high end super soaker at all the old rich folks at the golf course.
Supersonic Pissing is the future, my man.
If he ever finds the answer I too want to be able to cut sheet metal with my wee wee!
You'd be able to rob banks just with your shlong.
"Put your hands where I can see them! This weapon is loaded! I've drank 4 l of apple juice this morning!"
You wouldn't even need to reveal yourself. Just get as close to the vault as possible and piss yourself right in.
Sit down? For a piss?
High quality pissing stems from the seat.
I hear people say this but I can't really get the old balloon quite completely empty itself seated. Gotta at least stand up for the wiggles
Gotta push the taint with your finger boys. Pump it, like Technotronic.