Wasn't sure if I wanted to put it out there, but I needed a place to let it out. I suppose my situation was too good to be true. Dated for years, but the marriage itself did not make it to a single year, at least unofficially.
It's been a stressful time. She previously had a government job under an agency that doge culled. She loved her job. I realize that as a society we work too much, but to some degree people do want to feel productive and that many people find their workplaces to be places of belonging. She apologized for taking so long to come to this conclusion, but she mentioned that this time away from work has helped a lot with self-reflection.
I was aware that she considered herself bi previously and that she had relations with women before. I wasn't aware of the extent of it. She told me she felt compulsory heterosexuality for a long time, but wasn't entirely sure of it and I was her last chance in regards to men. She told me she still loved me, just not that way, and that I was the best partner she'd ever had, that she was remorseful about not being compatible in that regard. We discussed a lot of more private feelings, mostly trying to understand and showing concern for each other.
I support her. If that's how she feels then that's how she feels, and she deserves to be happy. I'm not angry with her, and we're not leaving each others lives, just changing roles. It still hurts a lot, but that's life sometimes. It isn't anyone's fault.
That said I'm glad I won't be doing anything tomorrow. I'm just struggling to function right now. And yeah, that's how it's going.
Edit: I slept in today quite a bit. I've read through most of the replies and it really melted my heart. I cried a bit. I didn't expect so many kind words or this much encouragement. I appreciate a lot of the advice too. I don't really know how to express any gratitude beyond this. I will try to reply a bit more later, but I need to take some more time to myself for a while. Thank you.
I'd be totally outraged if I was you. She dated/married you under false pretenses. It is totally her fault.
You deserve to be happy to. Why should you sacrifice your happiness for hers? I'm guessing maybe that's what you have been doing all along and that's why she 'chose you'. I'd feel incredibly used, and frankly, abused.
Reactions like yours create the very situation you're so upset about.
Being gay isn't easy. Having kids is harder, because of homophobia. Holding hands and kissing your partner is harder because of homophobia. Getting married is harder/limited/impossible depending on where you are, because of homophobia. Coming out as gay can cut you off from your friends and your family, because of homophobia. Even learning to understand that you're gay is hard, because there is massive amount of pressure to not be gay, and realising that you are can often by a process of overcoming that pressure, layer by layer.
Before you have accepted yourself, you often can't talk about it with your partner, because you don't know how they're going to react. You risk losing your partner and turning your life upside down for a part of yourself that at the time, you aren't even certain is real. Of course, if society wasn't so shitty to queer folk, this wouldn't be an issue, because self acceptance would have come earlier and younger, but society is shitty, so it comes later and slower
And then when you do come to understand your sexuality, all of the other shit I mentioned becomes 10x more relevant. So then you start to think things exactly like you said somewhere else in this discussion, "I can be gay and never have sex with a man/woman". Why throw your whole life away, and upset the person you love, when you could just suck it up and pretend that you're not gay? And that lasts for a while, but it isn't sustainable. Eventually, you realise that you're making yourself and your partner unhappy anyway, that lying to yourself isn't solving anything.
So then you come out, you rip the rug out and just hope that everything doesn't turn to shit...
If society was less shit to queer folk, none of this would happen. But society is shit to queer folk and creates these very situations, whilst then blaming the victims of the bullshit for "not being honest".
If you're sincere, you'll dwell on these words a little. But I doubt you will. More likely, you'll dismiss them, come back with a response validating how it really is her fault, and validating rage as a response. Because your issue likely isn't really to do with her "hiding" the fact she was gay but rather, with the fact that she's gay at all.
Hurt is understandable. Outrage assumes malice.
Struggling to discover who you are isn’t the same as using someone. Most people commit to things before they fully know themselves. Pretending otherwise just turns human growth into a crime.
Well, good thing he's a better and more mature person than you
self-respect is immature?
no, "me, me, me" is immature. that is literally toddler's level of development.
his wife's actions are entirely 'me me me'.
at what point did she ever respectful consider his feelings when she agreed to date him as bisexual? and then marry him? she didn't. she only considered hers.
go back to your cave.
Being a completely inconsiderate cunt is not self-respect.
It's understandable to be unhappy/frustrated at the situation, but completely vilifying her is indeed immature. Shit happens, people change. It's not like she planned all this.
Being angry with people for hurting you and lying to you is vilifying them? Sorry, are you suppose to what, be happy they did it?
Shit does happen. That doesn't mean people are blameless for their actions. When a DUI driver kills or hurts someone, do you think they planned it? Of course not. But we still hold them accountable for the harm they caused, and the victims of their actions should be angry.
OP's wife knew she was struggle with her identity, and went into this marriage full bore. She knew what she was doing. Maybe OP is partially at fault for accepting that into his life, as well, but that assumes she was totally honest with him from the start, which she may not have been. As he says 'not the full extent', as in she downplayed or mislead him.
Then she further piles it on, as if this relationship was her 'last chance' to be straight. I wonder how OP would have felt if she told him that before they got married? By his account, her intent was to be deceptive and dishonest about her sexuality, perhaps to them both.
What’s the point of impotent rage? At this point you can’t argue someone into owing you recompense of happiness. OP has a right to be hurt, but anger is pointless and only leads to depression.
there isn't a point to feelings. but it's better to just express them and get them out than bottle them up.
denying feelings fucks you up and leads you to do messed up abusive stuff. Like OP's wife denying her feelings about her homosexuality and leading to this.
I can be gay and never have sex with a man. That's fine. But if I feel that way and I lie about it and date a woman claiming I'm not gay, that's messed up. I'm lying, and denying and hurting someone else in the process. And that is entirely my fault. She would not be to blame at all, she'd be a victim of my lack of honesty about my own sexuality.