Finally, after almost two years of waiting, my insurance cleared me to do a neuropsychological assessment. After ten sessions speaking with a specialist, she diagnosed me as 2e, gifted and ADHD. Yay.
I was pretty certain that I had ADHD, but I also thought I might be on the autism spectrum. This is a very important result for me, because in case I ever need to find a new psychiatrist I won't have to go through that old loop of being treated like a drug addict because I want ADHD medication. Lisdexamphetamine works extremely well for me, and it would be a shame if I had to stop taking it.
I have to admit I was surprised at her assessment that I'm not autistic. I scored pretty high on the RAADS-R and I notice several aspects of autism in my behavior. It would explain many things. However, she thinks I am... gifted.
Let me tell you folks, I need some help with that. I hadn't thought about this before, and I'm really sorry to say this, because I feel like I'm really close to being ableist here, but... I hate being gifted. The reason why I say that is that I had never really considered what it looks like to even discuss giftedness.
I've been online for a couple of years, lurking in spaces that discussed neurodiversity, this site included, and I found these spaces to be full of incredibly cool people. Open-minded, welcoming, warm people who want to share their experience being neurodivergent. People who discuss ADHD and autism not as something to be ashamed of, but as a unique part of their own identity.
But then when I look for communities dedicated to gifted people, I might as well be trying to browse a MENSA forum. Everywhere I looked it was always a gaggle of people humblebragging about their IQ and how it's so difficult to be so much deeper than everyone around you. The "highest IQ" people were out there saying the dumbest shit I had ever seen.
That's when I realized that I don't even know how to talk about this. Neurotypical people are largely open to discussing autism and ADHD. Nowadays, with increasing awareness of the implications of neurodivergence, I find that people have become increasingly open-minded and willing to learn about how to accommodate the needs that neurodivergent people might have.
However, how am I supposed to tell people that I'm gifted without sounding like an asshole? According to this assessment, I have a very high IQ, but that's not something I feel comfortable discussing with most people. I will talk openly about my ADHD, but it really sucks that this other aspect of my brain that I'm so eager to discuss and learn more about has to be kept under wraps, because otherwise people will think I'm an arrogant prick.
I hope you folks understand. How do you even deal with a giftedness assessment? What's your experience talking about it with people who are less informed about neurodivergence, and do not understand the negative side of giftedness? It honestly feels like the loneliest part of my brain.
Also, one last thing. My personality assessment had a category of traits related to openness, as in the Big Five personality model. Within this category, there's a trait identified as liberalism, and I'm in the 80th percentile for that. I believe this means I've been officially diagnosed as the least liberal person on this website.
Perhaps worth interrogating first to see if there's a kernel of truth in the otherwise loaded "gifted" thing and see if there is anything useful to be had from being self aware of any useful positive traits you might have? But otherwise yeah that sort of self identification seems like an accelerant for social alienation.
I don't really think in "gifted" terms cuz it's a label I haven't heard applied to anyone since I was a child, but I do seem to have some exceptional traits that make me potentially very useful for a lot of things. There are so many self serving ways to describe those traits, but I don't really need that in order to recognise them in myself and figure out how to use them wisely. I also don't need to declare myself to be "this type of person" because work speaks for itself.
I hope some of that makes sense. Like it's okay (good even) to recognise your talents (or whatever term you like) so long as you don't become grandiose about it?
Maybe I'm just really confused though about what the implications of a gifted label are.
I agree with this, thanks for putting it more eloquently than I could. I do think it's useful to understand one's abilities and limitations, if anything I'm also confused what "gifted" is supposed to mean, exactly.
100x this, I will add that I spent decades struggling with all this until receiving ADHD diagnosis as an adult and starting proper treatment. I can honestly divide my life into Pre- and Post-vyvanse Eras. I'm so much more confident now bc as you say, my work can speak for itself.
Very well put. I know what I'm good at and I make use of these specific abilities. But, like I said in my other comment to decaptcha, isn't it weird that this is a diagnosis that you have to kind of tiptoe around? I legitimately had never considered that before having that label applied to me by a specialist.
It's honestly a weird diagnosis, but I had a similar experience and it felt like a rationalization of "well, children usually get diagnosed with ADHD when it starts to impact their grades and you managed to push through well enough despite that." I have a history of getting pulled into "academically gifted" and "honors" programs throughout my school career (then eventually getting thrown out of them because I had untreated/undiagnosed ADHD and got bored/distracted lol).
I would mostly disregard being "gifted" as a diagnosis. Take time to acknowledge your personal talents to yourself, though. I feel like I often sell myself short, and that leaves me losing touch with my own strengths. When I spend more time recognizing my own abilities and accomplishments, I don't have to make much of a special effort to be recognized by others - it kinda shines through if that makes sense.