My mother raised me to see “I’m one of the good guys” as a part of who I was. I was so sure that I was a good person, because basically I was raised to believe it. As an axiom, almost.

But as I’ve finally started to accept my shadow, that I’m not an angel, it’s given me a view into how much good I actually do in the world and I realized me having warm fuzzy feelings for cute things doesn’t make me a good person. In fact, I’m kind of shitty because I sneak around doing shit I know people would be mad at me doing, I make promises I would know I’m going to break, if I simply looked at my track record realistically.

It made me realize there’s a segment of culture where you basically see yourself as the good guys as an axiom, or as a super weak conclusion from observing your own guilt, compassion, kindness, etc.

Or because I would never consciously, deliberately set out to wrong someone. I mean, I wronged people all the time by misleading them about how committed I was, about what I would deliver, how capable I was, etc.

I’m having trouble describing how deep, and irrational, this belief in my own good-sider nature. Like, if I’d put myself into the Star Wars universe, I’d see myself as a Jedi. Despite the fact I spent days, months, decades even indulging in exactly what Yoda described as the path to the Dark Side.