Even though I’ve been through bouts of manic depression I’d still say right now is the worst mental state for me at the moment. I’ve really surpassed the threshold where I want it to end but don’t want to really die, to just being apathetic.

When I got a boyfriend I was kicked out by my parents and forced to move to a state I didn’t want to go to during COVID, where we got kicked out by my boyfriends parents after a year. Only for my own parents to offer me a place to stay again, but at their second “retirement” house for 10 years. So I move to an even worse state away from all my family and friends for this opportunity, and only realized when I got here how bad this state is.

House is constantly falling apart with some parts so old it was a struggle to find anybody to fix it. I was forced to quit my decent paying job that I actually liked of 6+ years because (even though I transferred) I didn’t jive with anybody and absolutely could not stand the way the place was run. It was quit or suicide that’s how awful the job was. Which had me get another job making less money than the first job I ever held at Walmart over a decade ago. Only to face random discrimination, schedule cuts, and then silently being fired. And again, I was not clicking with anybody in this place. I realized I didn’t get along with almost any people here, the national pastime is drinking alcohol and I’ve yet to see a single person with remotely similar interests to me. Aside from my BF it’s been lonely.

This is all bad enough but then Christmas year 3 rolls around and my parents show up on Christmas and evict me. Yes evicted by my own parents on Christmas. They gave me 3 months to leave with no offer to let me come home, fully willing to let me just become homeless in South Carolina. I should mention my parents are extremely well off, getting new cars every year, going on vacations across the country, upgrading their house all the time. Meanwhile I’m almost disabled (chronic illness) and have been working my ass off with no prospects of ever making enough money to live comfortably.

In addition to all this the world is slowly cooking alive and the only people that can do anything just won’t because of profits. Donald Trump is somehow not only a free man but allowed to run for president. He’s a legitimate cult leader but our education is so bad, and the parasocial relationship is so strong very few people actually see it that way. Books are getting banned, women’s and trans rights are being stripped, gun violence in America is so bad I’ve become extremely paranoid and don’t wanna leave the house. The cost of everything is rising in the name of profits and the government just sits back and watches as a majority of Americans die, struggle to pay bills, and stay fed.

And nobody talks about this in real life for some reason, maybe it’s due to the volatile nature of Trump supporters so we all walk on eggshells, but I’ve yet to meet a single person outside of New York that had a brain on these issues. Most people seem to just live their lives and never really think about it. They worry about petty nonsense like how much they can’t stand Stacy in the other department or how much of a bitch their neighbor is. People treat these petty issues with military-like seriousness, seemingly oblivious to the world crumbling around them, and I just don’t get it. I wish I could be that happy and clueless that the biggest issue plaguing my life is what my coworker was doing last week. I don’t want every conversation I have to be about the depressing state of the world, but I’m also REALLY not worried about this petty stuff anymore. Talk to me about some real shit like the time you went hiking and fell 30 feet breaking your leg, that’s something I want to actually engage with.

I could go on forever but honestly this is already way too long. Hopefully we all make it.