CW: Grim content

I've thought about this, and having worked in hospitals and nursing homes, I've seen a lot of people die, so it's given me some perspective.

My husband is the closest person to me by far. He also has a lot of chronic health problems. I suspect he will pass away before me.

The older I get, the fewer people I have in my life. In my 20s and into my 30s, I had a lot of friends, but little by little they've fallen off. I've got a couple friends in my MTG playgroup and one friend who I go longboarding with in the summer, but beyond that, I've pretty much lost touch with everyone. This only gets worse as time passes.

Best-case scenario is that I die in a nursing home or hospital, completely alone. Maybe my nieces and nephews might visit sometimes, but there's no way I'd ever see them frequently, nor should they feel compelled. I'll be old and confused in a strange scary place, with people talking in that condescending baby voice that I saw a lot of CNAs and nurses use. If I'm still able, I can play video games or something up until the end, but I have reason to suspect I have the beginning of Parkinson's like my dad, so slim chance of that. I'll just die staring at the ceiling, in a completely emotionless void.

Worst-case scenario (most likely) is that I get put in a nursing home but evicted for being too poor. Then I'd just die faster out on the streets or something, or in a shelter. And come to think of it, this might actually be the preferred scenario.

Either way, I'll certainly die alone and unloved.