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How should I change my polite behavior to be more accommodating?
(sh.itjust.works)
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this post was submitted on 02 May 2024
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Strong agree. I do not want to be shown deference if I’m not in an explicit position of authority and I do now want to shown respect if I haven’t earned it. (I also resent being asked to show deference or respect when it isn’t merited.) General politeness, like please and thank you, goes a long way toward demonstrating that you respect the person as an equal, which feels much more respectful to me than imposing some kind of arbitrary implied hierarchy of unearned respect between strangers.
I suspect this here is where the break is. I don't think respect needs to be earned, I think all humans, all creatures, all things are worthy of respect by default. Sure, you can lose respect, but the default interaction with a stranger should be a respectful one.
I actually totally agree. All people should begin worthy of our respect simply because we are humans, and our language should reflect that. Where the break is for me is that (again, for me) honorifics and similar terms imply hierarchical respect or deference, and that’s where the “earned respect” comes in. My respect for you as an equal is yours to lose; my respect for you as superior is yours to earn. In my language community, regular old please and thank you communicate the first kind, while honorifics convey the second.
I feel the words sir and ma'am imply the degree of formality of the conversation rather than social hierarchy of the participants. I think it appropriate for a boss, customer, teacher, coach, judge, or adult to address a worker, waiter, student, player, litigant, or child as "sir" or "ma'am" , "Mister" or "Miss" until they have reached a certain degree of social familiarity justifying less formal language.
And it’s always demanded in completely unrelated ways, too. When you can’t be right or at least explain yourself, be a lil’ bitch.
“They’re older so you have to suck up.”
“I’ve been doing this thing longer so I’m better.”
“They have more money so they’re smarter.”