Hey. I was told having issues controlling anger or emotions in general can be related to ADHD. I know I get WAY angrier than anyone should ever be sometimes.
Especially when injustice and ignorance come my way. I get furious beyond anything I've ever seen or heard of anyone else talk about. Maybe aside from depictions of killers or berserkers in fiction. It's not cool.
Only a few times have I gotten in trouble for it luckily and I never actually done anything more than shout the most disgusting insults at someone.
Now I do feel bad afterwards if I got angry at someone I like. But often enough I feel they fucking deserved it. If someone is an ignorant asshole willingly ruining someone's day, week or life they deserve some ruin thrown back at them. I know this might not be a good and healthy thing to think. But if someone provokes someone don't they ask to be yelled at?
I know they do this to 'win the argument' because of that imo idiotic notion that who yells first is wrong. But honestly I rarely care to be right enough for shit to matter.
I've read a few books on anger management and some techniques help a bit. But the amount of anger described in the book seems so very mild to me in comparison to what I experience and how fast it builds up. One book told me to count to three. I am ready to launch nukes before I reach 1. That won't work.
And I don't get angry at something. I have pure rage and fury, hatred and contempt for existence itself at those moments. Angry really doesn't cut it. It's scorched earth, blown it all up and piss on the ruins kind of anger.
So anyone else experience this? Any tips to deal with this shit?
I'm going to take your non-answer for a "no."
Which is acceptable. I didn't mean to pressure you.
But I'm also going to try again to explain myself. Because I feel like I did a poor job.
I think I mislabeled my solution when I said, "look for the hurt." Because upon reflection, it wasn't finding the "hurt" that helped me.
It was finding the target. It helped when I convinced myself that the real target of the cruelty was not the person who ended up receiving it.
My brother in the above example? I was able to let go of his barbs when I realized his barbs were aimed at himself. He didn't even really reflect on his own statements enough to know whether "outcast among outcasts" applied to me. He was insulting himself, and wound up missing himself and hitting me.
My mother in the above example -- who currently embraces a bunch of people telling her, "some people are beyond saving," -- doesn't actually understand that the resulting philosophy defends and maintains a system of oppression over minorities and poor people, (and over several categories to which she herself belongs.) And she wouldn't be happy if she realized that. Because the real, true target of her desire to give up on people is the people who gave up on her. She's just missing them and hitting the wrong people.
That commenter that somehow got my blood boiling? His target was an FBI or NSA agent, or any number of his "normie" friends who started to distance themselves from him after he entered the alt-right. He's lonely. He's isolated. And he's lashing out against everyone trying to control and punish him by inflicting this loneliness upon him. And he ended up missing them and hitting me.
In all cases, these people were throwing darts after being spun around a few times, blindfolded. In all cases, they had a target that it might have been okay -- or at least understandable -- for them to hit. And realizing that they were missing their true target is what gives me peace.