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Why does “come here” bother me so much?
(lemmy.world)
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this post was submitted on 05 Aug 2023
388 points (91.6% liked)
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I think you alone might need some counseling. Because that is not healthy. Just enjoy the fact that your partner invests time, thought and energy in you by showing you stuff.
It’s literally the opposite. The partner doesn’t even want to spend the effort to verbalize what it is they want to show. Instead, they ask OP to invest time and energy to “come here” for dubious returns. They’re not doing it for OP, but for the recognition they expect for “showing them stuff”.
Why wouldn't you want to see the stuff that the person you like wants to show you? If you don't want to go why don't you just say "no"? Your partner isn't a villain for wanting to show you stuff. They either wants to make your day a bit better, share something they like with you or they might need help with something.
Because I really don't get why you have to be anxious about "going over there".
How could OP decide when they don’t even know why they’re supposed to go?
Because OP has a life of their own? They need to stop whatever they were doing, physically get up, stare at whatever it is they’re supposed to stare at, and retreat again. OP isn’t a dog you can call to attention whenever you feel like it. How would you like it if I called you across the apartment repeatedly for no reason?
If the partner wants to show OP something, why don’t they get up? Why does OP have to expend the effort?
see ya
I don’t think that’s the issue. Basically the OP doesn’t know what she is walking into (funny video, huge house/financial problem, or life threatening situation) and that is causing stress/resentment about the “come here.”
It’s definitely not “her alone” that needs counseling. Why doesn’t her partner just tell her what’s going on? Why the need to cause her so much stress so he can have a “big reveal”?
If he continues to do it after a serious conversation and her creating a boundary (eg, not going unless her partner tells her what’s going on), then they both need counseling.
There is nothing unhealthy about being annoyed when someone forces you to always come to them no matter what it is about again and again and again, instead of at least sometimes actively coming to you when they want to interact.
There's no force. People don't have to treat these things as commands. They are free to say "No", or in this case maybe a "Why? I'm in the middle of something!".
He says it repeatedly because it works. If it doesn't work all the time he won't do it as much.
This isn’t investing in time, thought and energy though. This is random impulsive things, regardless of if I’m at work, or on a call or just trying to wind down after a 12 hour day. I work a full time job and a side gig, and he is, at this point, semi-retired. I do the majority of the housework and childcare jobs. We contribute to our household income at about 5:1. Im already exhausted, but I feel like he wants me to spend any free second I have entertaining him. He has no interests except his guitar (which he gets his fill of at work as a teacher about 25 hours a week) and his PS5. So if neither of those are entertaining him, then I’m expected to provide entertainment for him. I’m really just tired and frustrated. Have you ever had someone who literally just wants to fill up every spare moment you have with something they need before ? There are days where I’m cleaning the kitchen at midnight and he’s getting snippy because he’s been waiting forever for me to get finished to come and play this game so he can watch (he makes it sound like it’s really a favour for me because he’ll rub my back halfassedly while I play). He’s not investing in anything, and he’s got a lot of energy to spare. I don’t.
That is more than "Hey come here".
If it's "hey come here (look at this for 5 seconds)" it's a completely different thing that him getting his knickers in a bunch because you're not following his narrative when you're taking care of the household.
The way you described it was more of him seeing something on the pc and asking you to come look or him asking you to come over and help him temporarily with something.
Not disregard household chores so that you can play his game in the middle of the night.
I would say it's two different things completely.
I am sorry that I misunderstood the situation. I would also tell him to man the fuck up or there will be consequences. And the consequences would be you not doing his part of the dishes or his psrt of the laundry so that he will have to pick up the slack or however the hell you want to retaliate. Unacceptable. You deserve someone who appreciates you for whonyou are and what you do.
And she should ignore the obnoxious way he chooses to do it? What other things you propose sje should ignore?
How is it obnoxious to say "hey. Come here"?
Because she's not a dog, and he doesn't get to issue commands to her.
Even if it was "Hey, can I show you something?" that would be a bit better - it's asking for her attention and presence rather than demanding it.
She still has the right to say "no".
People have a tendency to “want to be nice”. If it’s not too demanding, we usually follow requests. You may be different (I say this without judgement), but most people don’t like to not follow request. Hence the “come here” feels like an order, even though, on the surface it isn’t.
On the surface it is an order. He's using imperative sentence construction with no "please can you" and no question mark.
This is exactly how commands/orders are expressed in English.
"Do this" "Come here" " Go there" "Sit Down" "Give me 20 press ups".
because we have an unreliable narrator. that is no smudge on the OP, just a frustration with some of this
I’ve actually been completely transparent and honest. He and I have talked about it many times. I guess I’m here to hear other perspectives so that maybe I can verbalize the situation better in a way he can understand. He doesn’t know why he does it and I have a hard time been putting into words why it’s so bothersome to me. And if you don’t have a cohesive point, do you really have a point? And with no point there is theoretically no problem.